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College Seniors vs. Freshmen

Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.

Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mt. Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Professor."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if its further than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professors habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has own personal workstation.

Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.

Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October...

....maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm.
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm.

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night.
Senior: Calls Dominos every other night.

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs.
Senior: Is appalled that the campus Subway burned down over the summer.

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Offers to tutor conscientious frosh of opposite sex...

Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand ones horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

by (few years ago!) / 574 views
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'.

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Animal jokes

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.

Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.

Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.

So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."

At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo. I just gotta see this."

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Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage - 5

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ON JUDGEMENT DAY


Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days.

They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not"changing his mind. So, . .

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there "is" a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 98

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Sport jokes

What is black and white and black and white and black and white?A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!

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ONE DAY WHILE SCAFFOLDING

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Colorado.One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

by (few years ago!)
Rednecks

Bubba went to a psychiatrist "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears"

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist.

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" Asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."

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Blonde jokes

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

by (few years ago!)
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