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Pain Killers

A man was suffering from a stomachache, so he told his wife, who suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her for a similar pain.

After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear.

He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened. Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, who only knows how I'm going to get your balls back down!"

by (few years ago!) / 3134 views
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Similar Jokes

PANDA WARNING

A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.

A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"

The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."

And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'

"What's it say?" asks the bartender.

The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Thats where you wash all your vegetables!

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They havent got a policy on that.

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

by (few years ago!)
Finding perfect men

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

by (few years ago!)
REJECTION LETTER RESPONSE TEMPLATE


The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. - get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].

Sincerely,
[your name

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without."

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher: If you have five haystacks in one corner, five in another and two in another, how many would you have ?Pupil: One big haystack !

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun


The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job."

He says, "You have sinned." Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job.

The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."

by (few years ago!)
LIFE AS A MOLE


A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!"

The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!"

The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses...."

by (few years ago!)
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