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20 Fun Things For Professors To Do

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises

2. After confirming everyones names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor cant hear you, youll have to ask me, Winky Willy."

7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."

9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin Bird."

10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

13. Announce "youll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Browns "Sex Machine."

16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering Simps would know," and move on before anyone can answer.

17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19. Address students as "worm."

20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

by (few years ago!) / 681 views
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There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.

The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.

Hitman: where is the money?

Accountant signs he does not know

Brother: he said he does not know

Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!

Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

Hitman: what did he say?

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The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law.

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"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

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"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

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In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1998.

"Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1998. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998."

Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt.

The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates." A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M."

Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.

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"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"

Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.

"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time

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