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20 Fun Things For Professors To Do

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises

2. After confirming everyones names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor cant hear you, youll have to ask me, Winky Willy."

7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."

9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin Bird."

10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

13. Announce "youll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Browns "Sex Machine."

16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering Simps would know," and move on before anyone can answer.

17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19. Address students as "worm."

20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

by (few years ago!) / 648 views
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He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?"

The guy innocently replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink.

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The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

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THE TIRED OLD GENIE DOES A FINAL WISH

A truck driver was tooling down the highway one afternoon and heard a "pop." Thinking that perhaps he had blown a tire, he steered the rig onto the shoulder and walked back to check his tires.
He found a bottle laying in the gutter. He picked it up and wiped off the label to see what kind of bottle it was when a very old genie popped out.

The genie said, "Man, I'm too old for this! You get one wish -- not three -- just one."

The driver thought long and hard, and finally said, "It would be really nice for all the bridges to be wide enough that over-sized loads could get through without any trouble."

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This is the true tragedy. While we labor to protect our freedom of speech, who will protect those that cannot speak. Such spokes-creatures for the feline community such as Purdy, who writes the very successful column "Ask Purdy" have been strangely silent on the subject. Of course many people feel that animal pundits such as Purdy are mere pawns themselves and are being controlled by other interests. We asked Purdy for his comment, but so far we have received no reply.

Part of the problem lies in the availability and design of computers. Not enough effort is being made to empower the feline community. They have no voice, they are shut off and isolated. They are part of something they do not understand and cannot participate in. They have no power to change the Net. Of course there are more cats with access to computers than women, minorities, and economically depressed people. But that's not really saying much is it? Until the Web embraces everyone equally, the problems of exploitation will continue.

Although legislation against posting cat pictures is an option, a more intriguing option has been suggested in a report published by the Coalition of Those Attempting to Think Clearly and Probably Failing.

"Society should spend a lot more time trying to educate and help people stay mentally and physically healthy instead of making them sick and then trying to stop them from hurting each other. If we must pass laws about pornography on the Internet, we advise a law that requires EVERYONE on the internet to post a pornographic picture of themselves. We don't know if that would solve the problem, but it would sure be interesting."

For more information, smell the third step outside your house.

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2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.

3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."

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5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.

6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."

7) Beep when a large person backs up.

8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men."

9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"

10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.

11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.

12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.

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