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SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE A LIBERAL

You paid $500,000.00 for a beer keg once used by John F. Kennedy.

You protested American intervention in Vietnam, but support American intervention in Haiti, Somalia, and Bosnia.

Upon hearing that President Clinton committed a rape and murder as part of Whitewater, you replied, "So what?"

If the years 1966 through 1974 are vague memories because of the effects of drug abuse.

You think Hillery Clinton is, "A babe."

You think that a naval aircraft carrier should be named after George McGovern, but then you remember that one aircraft carrier could feed a million starving children for a year.

You are against sexual harrasment except when committed by Senator Kennedy.

You think people who make above minimun wage are rich and should be taxed at 90 percent.

You are not shocked when someone says "F---" but are profoundly shocked when someone says "N---".

Upon hearing of anything bad that has happened, the first thing you think should be done is that the oil companies should be investigated.

You think heterosexual love is a male chauvinist plot to oppress women.

You think George Stephenapolis is, "A hunk."

You ever said, "Differently abled" when you mean "crippled."

You ever proposed that cockaroaches should be placed on the endangered species list.

You ever drove to an Earth Day rally in a Lincoln Towncar, or a Ferrari.

You blame the Republicans for rainy weather.

You never wished that Star Trek had more ship to ship combat scenes.

You think Al Franken is actually funny, but Rush Limbaugh is not.

You once referred to President Reagan as "that man in the White House."

You think that the Unabomber "has a point."

You cried out, "Where did I go wrong!" when your son or daughter joined the Marine Corps.

You think Newt Gingrich should be dipped in gravy train and fed to a pack of ravenous poddles.

You ever referred to someone's GI Joe figurines and matching tac nukes as "War toys."

You are against prayer in public schools, even before math tests.

You own an espresso maker, a cusinart, a vibrator, and a heated water bed and yet oppose off shore oil drilling and the construction of nuclear power plants.

You don't go into a fit of rage when Barney is on TV.

You think O.J. is actually innocent, but that Bernard Goetz is not.

You think that Doctors should be made into government bureaucrats, but that lawyers should not.

You've felt compelled to buy the child rearing book entitled, "How to get your Children to Say No in the 90s When You Said Yes in the 60s."

You object to little old ladies wearing fur, but not big, mean bikers wearing leather.

by (few years ago!) / 786 views
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Similar Jokes

Computer jokes

"Ive been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but theres a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time." Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?" Customer: "Of course I am. Thats why I bought it." Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?" Customer: "Dont get rude with me, of course I do." Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results." Customer: "I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it."

by (few years ago!)
A VALUABLE LESSON IN STUDENT LIFE


A college student picked up his date at her parent's home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetisers, lobster, champagne . . .the works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid."

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Blonde jokes

What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.

by (few years ago!)
QUOTES FROM EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL REPORTS

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this associate to breed.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.

This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

by (few years ago!)
A PASSING COMPLIMENT

A man walked into a bar and sat dow, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!". Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt".

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts" answered the bartender.

"Say what?"

"You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts...they're complimentary."

by (few years ago!)
AT THE GORILLA ENCLOSURE


It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

by (few years ago!)
Office Terminology for the New Millennium - Part II

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generator running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Animals - 5

This is page 5 of jokes and funny stories about animals.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?""I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.""I dont mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you preparedspiritually?""Oh, sure," came the reply. "Ive got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

by (few years ago!)
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