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Train

2 blondes walk into the forest and stop at some tracks one of the blondes say those are bear tracks the other blonde says no those r dear tracks 1/2 hour later they were both killed by a train

by (few years ago!) / 5573 views
(Rated 3 Stars - 2 votes)
 

Similar Jokes

Mirror mirror

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie - poof it swallows you up.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror. The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" Poof- the mirror swallows her up.

The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" Poof - the mirror swallows her up.

Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says " I think........" Poof!!

by (few years ago!)
A HANDFUL OF FAMOUS BEER QUOTES

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemmingway

He was a wise man who invented beer.
- Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
- Catherine Zandonella

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
- David Daye

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
- Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
- George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
- Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
- For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- Dean Martin

by (few years ago!)
The Lawyers Donation

Somebody from a local charity is going over some files and realizes he hasnt gotten any donations from the towns most succesful lawyer.

So the man calls the lawyer and says Our records show that you havent made any donations to us. Then the lawyer says well, did your records show that my mom is sick with bills three times her annual income, or that my sisters husband died in an accident which leaved her penniless with three children, or that my brother is blind and has no money to pay for an aid or a nurse.

by (few years ago!)
YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRUNK WHEN...

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

• Job interfering with your drinking.

• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

• Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

• Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

• Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

• You can focus better with one eye closed.

• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

• Mosquitoes get a buzz after attacking you

• At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

• You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

• The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

There was once a high powered businessman who insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him a tall one for writing longhand, a short one for taking down shorthand, and a very small one for adding footnotes.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outsidea Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "Shes not from the States." "Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered..... "Ill give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "shes not for sale." After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

by (few years ago!)
25 Fun Pool Activities

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.

3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.

7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good.."

9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

10) Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here."

11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA HA, fooled you!"

13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.

21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.

22) Throw people's things into the pool.

23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Men are like mini skirts. If youre not careful, theyll creep up your legs.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde Jokes

There were three girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were all in the fifth grade. A 17 year-old guy comes and asks one of them out. But which did he ask? Easy. The blonde one, because she's also 17.!
How do you kill a Blonde? - Put a scratch-and-sniff tab on the bottom of the pool!
What happens when a Blonde eats a mosquito? - She has more brain cells in her stomach than her head.

** A guy walks into a bar and there are a whole bunch of blondes chanting "51 days! 51 days!..." The guy walks up to the bartender and asks him "what are they celebrating about". The bartender says "I don't know". The guy is curious so he desides to ask one of the blondes. he asks, "Can one of you please tell me why you are chanting '51 days' and why are you all celebrating". one of the blondes proudly answers " we just finished this puzzle. The box said '3-4 years' but we finished it in 51 days".

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

At a friends wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

by (few years ago!)
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