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Blonde jokes

Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdom While the crowd was doing the wave two blondes drowned

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Zoo jokes

An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events. Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape, escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them. The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the secretary to the mayor asked, "Have you looked in the yellow pages"? The director said he hadnt, but would, immediately. To his surprise, under "animal capturing service" he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately. Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door. "Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?", the little man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. "Hop in the truck", the little man said. The director did and they drove off. Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground. The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles. The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat. "Now," the little man said, "Im going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and Im going to knoc k the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you snap the handcuffs on and weve got him. The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said "Im not too sure about this -- whats the gun for?" The little man said, "Look, Im an expert. I know what Im doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and itll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!"

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing streetinterviews about the upcoming presidential primary election."Im not voting for any of the candidates," the first man said. "Idont know any of them.""I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I knowthem all."

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?A: Coffee.

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blonde jokes

A blonde bought two horses, but could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse, and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested that she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our blonde friend couldn't tell the horses apart.

The neighbor suggested that the blonde measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was a full two inches taller than the black one.

by (few years ago!)
Dog Breeds That Just Didn't Make It

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer = Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks (or drools) incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... Oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work with you

Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

by (few years ago!)
Changing number terms

In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:

The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.

Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.

Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.

Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.

Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.

Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !

Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.

Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.

665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What do you call a dog with no legs ?It doesnt matter what you call him, he still wont come !

by (few years ago!)
Women Jokes

A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for."

The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"

"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.

Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.

"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.

The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards. Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.

by (few years ago!)
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