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Blonde jokes

A friend meets up with her friend as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.Her friend asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"The blonde replies Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid

by (few years ago!) / 4349 views
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Marriage Jokes

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession. "I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "Im goin after the rest of it tonight!"

by (few years ago!)
Graphaholics Anonymous

1. We admit we are powerless over the need to create graphics

And that our life revolves around "making one more graphic before I_________________." (insert one: "go to bed, feed the cat, cook supper, go to work...")

2. We believe that a power greater than ourselves exists, and it's name is PaintShop Pro.

3. We have made the decision to turn our lives and what skill we have over to the care of Graphics utilities, that they may help us create that which we cannot do on our own.

4. We have made, and continue to make, a searching and fearless inventory of the web to find copyright free graphics, and also of our computers, that we may delete old graphics to make room for new ones.

5. We admit that we cannot make good, modem friendly, graphics without the help of Gifwizard and L-view Pro.

6. We are entirely ready to let any graphics utilities we can find remove all defects from our graphics.

7. We humbly ask that our computers not crash due to all the graphics stored therein.

8. We have made a list of all the persons who make better graphics than we do And are willing to try and outdo them.

9. We admit our jealousy of those that make better graphics than we do and Appeal to them whenever possible to teach us how they did it.

10. We continue to take inventory of our hard drives and web sites and promptly remove Any "amateur" ("how could I have thought that was good?") Graphics that we find.

11. We seek, through "help files" and source code, to learn every nuance of Other's' secrets so that we will always be making better graphics.

12. We have had a spiritual awakening as a result of stealing other's ideas. We have tried to help all other novice graphic junkies to make better Graphics by sharing our knowledge (but not enough that they make better graphics than us)

by (few years ago!)
THE MERMAID AND THE COW

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

by (few years ago!)
A huge difference in my client's defense

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."

The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"

The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

by (few years ago!)
FREE DRINKS FOR THE BLIND

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my guide dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "Ivefound a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what doyou want from me, sympathy?"

by (few years ago!)
A 12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"

The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."

by (few years ago!)
Funny Animal Joke

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Shit!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"


by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Hey, you just shot my wife.Im so sorry, have a shot at mine !

by (few years ago!)
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