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Blonde jokes

A friend meets up with her friend as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.Her friend asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"The blonde replies Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid

by (few years ago!) / 6939 views
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A little marriage humor

Laughter is good within a marriage. Here are a few funnies to get the day started with a smile.

Man: Is there any way to live a long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of living a long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

It is difficult to understand GOD . He makes such beautiful things as Women and then he turns them into Wives

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called ‘Man, The Master of Women’?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

Fact of life for husbands: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life

by (few years ago!)
Dead Boss

A guy phones up his boss' house, but gets the boss' wife instead. He asks to speak to A guy phones up his boss' house, but gets the boss' wife instead. He asks to speak to her husband.

"I'm afraid he died earlier today," she says.

The next day, the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you," the wife replies, "he died yesterday."

The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time, the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I've already told you twice that he died. Why do you keep calling?"

"Because," he replies, laughing, "I just love hearing it!"
her husband.

"I'm afraid he died earlier today," she says.

The next day, the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you," the wife replies, "he died yesterday."

The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time, the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I've already told you twice that he died. Why do you keep calling?"

"Because," he replies, laughing, "I just love hearing it!"

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

A man was cleaning out old clothes from his closet, planning to give them to charity. In the pocket of a suit coat he found a shoe-repair ticket, about ten years old.
"I believe that place is still in business," he thought, so he went down to the shop. Without saying anything, he presented the ticket.
The man behind the counter looked at the number and said, "I'll have them for you tomorrow."

by (few years ago!)
Microsoft in Detroit?

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:


1. Every time they repainted the lines on the
road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept
this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would
have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as
fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which
would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general
car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?Q. They think their picture is being taken.

by (few years ago!)
A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR... OUCH!


A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilets. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!"

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What is dumber than the Blonde jokes above?A: Me for wasting hours editing and typing these damn things.

by (few years ago!)
Elephant Jokes

What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
Time to fix the fence!


What's big, gray and flies straight up?
An elecopter!


What's gray, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill?
A get wellephant!


What's gray and goes round and round?
An elephant in a washing machine!


What's gray and highly dangerous?
An elephant with a machine gun!


What's big and gray and lives in a lake in Scotland?
The Loch Ness Elephant!


What's big and gray and has 16 wheels?
An elephant on roller skates!


Policeman: "One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle."
Zoo Keeper: "Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!"


Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can't remember long stories!


How to you keep an elephant in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!


What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!


What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?
Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?


What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 3,000 miles!


What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry?
A gooseberry is green!


Teacher: " To which family does the elephant belong?"
Pupil: " I don't know, nobody I know owns one!"


How do you spell elephant?
E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t
"That's not how the dictionary spells it"
"You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it!"


Teacher: "Name six wild animals"
Pupil: " Four elephants and two lions!"


What do elephants sing at Christmas?
Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants... Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus!


What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather?
One roars with pain and the other pours with rain!


What's the difference between an elephant and a post box?
I don't know!


What's gray and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
An elephant with hiccups!


What goes up slowly and comes down quickly?
An elephant in a lift!


What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
An elephant's shadow!


When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?
When it's a baby elephant!


How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
When your nose touches the ceiling!


What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet

Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because the chicken was having a day off!


What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
Lost!


Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
Because they couldn't hold their trunks up.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

QUESTION: Do you know what is honeymoon? ANSWER: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

by (few years ago!)
TWO WISHES

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"

The ostrich says "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

by (few years ago!)
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