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Blonde jokes

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats

by (few years ago!) / 6587 views
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He is a very fast drinker

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

by (few years ago!)
SPORTS PEOPLE: BASKETBALL; It Was No Joke: The Coach Was Sick

LEAD: One of the first things the Sacramento Kings' coach, Jerry Reynolds, requested after an ambulance took him to an emergency room Tuesday night was a bag of popcorn and a beer. That kind of joking is typical of the popular coach. In fact, Reynolds is so known for his jokes and courtside antics that most of the 16,517 fans who saw him collapse and lose consciousness during the Kings' victory over the Portland Trail Blazers in Sacramento, Calif., Tuesday night thought it was a stunt.

One of the first things the Sacramento Kings' coach, Jerry Reynolds, requested after an ambulance took him to an emergency room Tuesday night was a bag of popcorn and a beer. That kind of joking is typical of the popular coach. In fact, Reynolds is so known for his jokes and courtside antics that most of the 16,517 fans who saw him collapse and lose consciousness during the Kings' victory over the Portland Trail Blazers in Sacramento, Calif., Tuesday night thought it was a stunt. Even his players at first thought Reynolds was joking, and Referee Blaine Reichelt called a technical foul against the Kings, assuming that Reynolds had thrown himself onto the floor to mock an earlier call Reichelt made against the Kings. But the 44-year-old coach wasn't joking when he collapsed during the game. Although there were early fears that Reynolds had suffered a heart attack, the Kings' team physician, Dr. James Castles, said yesterday that Reynolds showed no evidence of a heart attack in tests conducted so far. The doctor also said Reynolds would be released from the hospital this afternoon if his final scheduled heart test, a treadmill study, showed normal results. Castles said that after a controversial foul call against the Kings, Reynolds ''leaped into the air and seemed to get dizzy.'' Reynolds fell face-first onto the arena floor and lost consciousness for about 30 seconds. The game was stopped 10 minutes with 5 minutes 56 seconds left while Castles and other doctors in the arena, including two cardiologists, examined him, attached a heart monitor to his chest and finally placed him on a stretcher. (AP)

by (few years ago!)
EVEN MORE BIZARRE REAL LIFE ANIMAL LAWS

Cats in International Falls, Minnesota, are not allowed to chase dogs up telephone poles If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to have it done.

No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.

An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Another misworded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."

Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.

In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts A Fountain Inn, South Carolina, law once required horses to wear pants at all times. But carriage horses in Charleston, South Carolina, were required to wear diapers.

In Calgary, Canada, a by-law requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.

In Winona, MS, it is illegal to drive a car on Main Street because it frightens horses.

In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to "ride an ugly horse" - the fine is $300!

If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats, cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.

In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your hotel room.

In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.

In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a street lamp.

Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston, Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.

In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.

It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North Carolia

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

: Why did the dog cross the road? - A: Because it was the chickens day off.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?A. From chasing parked ambulances.

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

A lady who was about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well, your Honor. It was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that read: 'The Gold Dust Twins Are Coming,' and I had to smile."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that read: 'Sloan's Liniment Will Reduce the Swelling,' and I had to grin."

"Then she placed herself under a sign that read: 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly control myself."

"But, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that read: 'Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident,' I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed." replied the Judge.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 Oclock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldnt jump.Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, "I cant take this, youre my friend."But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bets a bet."Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 Oclock news, so I cant take your money."The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didnt think he would jump again!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?A: They take off their makeup.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "Im sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car.As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

by (few years ago!)
AN ENGLISHMAN, AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.

The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.

The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.

The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"

by (few years ago!)
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