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Blonde jokes

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats

by (few years ago!) / 6052 views
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Animal jokes

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.
In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

by (few years ago!)
What will the neighbors think?

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."

by (few years ago!)
Educational jokes

A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

by (few years ago!)
THE BLONDE AND THE SPORTS CAR


A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration.

Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment."

"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his member out.

Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"

by (few years ago!)
Can you tell me how much you charge?

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

by (few years ago!)
ARRIVING LATE FOR THE LECTURE


A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard.

Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?"

The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect its parents."

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.
The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"
When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"
"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?The champire!

by (few years ago!)
THREE WISHES

A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.

"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."

The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.

"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"

Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"

The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anythingfor a while thePriest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy theres nopaper in here either.

by (few years ago!)
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