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Blonde jokes

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats

by (few years ago!) / 5633 views
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THE BLONDE AND THE LAWYER


A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.

He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He asks the blonde if she paints?

The blonde says, "Sure anything."

"Well, I've been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?" the man replies.

"I don't know, say $50 bucks."

"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.
His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.

The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more."
"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"

10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, "All done."

With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch."

"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

Jaques, a French World Cup Rugby superstar, is jogging down a street in London when he sees a building on fire. An old lady trembles over a third story ledge holding her pet kitten in her arms.

"Hey, Madame!" yells Jaques, "Throw ze pussy to moi!" "No," she cries, "It's much too far!"

"I ham ze star player for France in ze World Cup Rugby - I vill cache 'im!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows and, finally, the woman waves to Jaques, kisses her kitten goodbye, and tosses it down into the street.

Jaques keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The kitten obliquely bounces off an awning and Jaques runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd, gathered to watch the fire, breaks into cheers.

Jaques does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, and then drop kicks the kitten 85 meters down the street.

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

This customer comes into the computer store. "Im looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, s...

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?A: An air bag.

by (few years ago!)
Ethnic Insults

Q. why dont blacks and mexicans ever marry?
A. their kids are too lazy to steal.

Q. why do scottsmen wear kilts?
A. sheep can hear zippers.

Q. whats the difference between a mexican and a park bench?
A. a park bench can support a family of 4.

Q. what do you call a mexican porn star?
A. inch-a-lotta

Q. whats the difference between a Jew and a birthday cake?
A. the cake doesnt scream when you put it in the oven.

Q. Did you hear that 79% of all women in the U.S. are battered?
A. And to think ive been eating mine raw the whole time!

Q. what do you call a mexican in a 3 piece suit?
A. will the defendant please rise?

by (few years ago!)
Can I help you?

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''

''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

What is the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A man walks into a Kansas bar with his golden retriever. "Hey," says the bartender, "No dogs allowed in the bar." "Oh please?," begs the customer.You see, youre playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan of the Royals." "Youre trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar," says the bartender. "No animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs dont like baseball!"Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps up on the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the same on his front legs! The bartender is astounded. "That is the mostamazing thing Ive ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG could like baseball?! Im curious though....if he gets that excited when the Royals get a hit, what does he do when they get a home run?""I dont know," confesses the owner, "I ve only had him for five years."

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons." True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous.

"But wait!" he cried. "This alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone." However, the bartender is adamant. "If," the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?" "Well, I guess so," says the bartender. "However, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame."

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!" he shouts. "Sit up." With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist. BANG. BANG. BANG. And the alligator rears up on its tail.

"Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG. And the alligator opened its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligatorÕs mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE!" BANG. BANG. BANG. As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops just short of biting the guys d**k off.

The crowd sighs, and the man says, "Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG. The alligatorÕs mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd. Now would anyone else like to try this?"

A blonde in the back says, "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard."

by (few years ago!)
Computer Problem

The gigantic computer took up a whole wall, dwarfing the two mathematicians standing before it.

After much flashing and humming a sliver of paper emerged from the vitals of the machine.

One mathematician, after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said with awe, "Do you realise that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians a hundred years of calculations to make a mistake this big?"

by (few years ago!)
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