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Blonde jokes

A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosur fossils had been found in the area The blonde exclaimed Wow! I cant believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway.

by (few years ago!) / 5940 views
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Business jokes

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?A: A dependent Claus.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

What do you call two spiders who just got married?A: Newlywebs.

by (few years ago!)
College Expense

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'"

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The boy went on to be a successful lawyer.

by (few years ago!)
Zoo jokes

Some vampires went to see Dracula. They said, "Drac, we want to open a zoo. Have you got any advice?" "Yes," replied Dracula, "have lots of giraffes."

by (few years ago!)
MICROSOFT BUYS A LITTLE TIME


In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1998.

"Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1998. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998."

Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt.

The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates." A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M."

Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.

In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a counter suit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into "deity conglomerates."

"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"

Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.

"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time

by (few years ago!)
15 Ways to be Annoying

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.

2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.

3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."

4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!"

5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.

6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."

7) Beep when a large person backs up.

8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men."

9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"

10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.

11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.

12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.

13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.

14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.

15) Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.

by (few years ago!)
A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY

A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

by (few years ago!)
Zoo jokes

A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. "Look in the lions mouth," the vet told him."How do I do that?" he asked."Carefully," replied the vet.

by (few years ago!)
Religion Jokes Category

One morning, two priests head for the showers. It isn't until they're undressed and in the showers, that they realize they didn't bring any soap. Father George decides he'll run back for the soap. Rather than taking the time to get dressed, he peaks out into the hallway, sees there's no one around, and decides to make a run for it.
He grabs the two bars of soap, checks the hall before heading back to the showers, sees it's all clear and makes a run for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking toward him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he's a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap.

The nuns approach and the first nun says, "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most life-like statue you've ever seen?" She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's pecker. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap.

"Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of soap!"

The second nun is also amazed at how realistic the statue looks, so she steps in for a closer look. She takes a couple of yanks on the priest's pecker, and he drops the other bar of soap.

"My goodness, I too got a bar of soap!" she said.

The third nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives the priest's pecker a few tugs.

"My God, this is amazing," she says, "I got liquid soap!

by (few years ago!)
WINNING THE LOTTERY


This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money visely!"

He doesn't vin... err.. win the lottery.

The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.
The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein.

Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!"

He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"

"Buy a ticket!"

by (few years ago!)
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