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Blonde jokes

A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosur fossils had been found in the area The blonde exclaimed Wow! I cant believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway.

by (few years ago!) / 4799 views
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George Carlin's Views on Aging Part 2

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

by (few years ago!)
All Out of Anaesthetic

A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

by (few years ago!)
Geography Lesson

The teacher called on Little Johnny to go to the map and point out where North America is.
Little Johnny looked the map over, found North America, and proudly said, "Here it is, right here!"

"Very good, Johnny," the teacher said. "Now, class, can you tell me who discovered North America?"

"Little Johnny!" the students shouted.

by (few years ago!)
THE FIRE DOG


A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.

The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

There was a blonde who was at an all blonde football game.At halftime she was called down to answer questions to seeif she could win $1000. The first question was what is 10 plus 11?She hesitates and says, hm.. 5! The host says no im sorry thats incorrect.All of the blondes in the stadium chanted "Give her another chance, giveher another chance!" So the host agrees and said, "ok how about 5 plus 5."She answers and says 20. Again all the blondes chanted give her another chance, give her another chance. So the host agrees again and says, ok last chance,what is 2 plus 2. The blonde says 4! and the audience says Give her another chance give her another chance!

by (few years ago!)
Doctor's Notes 1

A man comes into the ER and yells; "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns dont talk.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"They boys mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger i n the boys face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage

Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

How can you make a basset hound fast? Take away its food!

by (few years ago!)
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