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Blonde jokes

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks Maam, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure Why, officer asks the blonde Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.""Oh my goodness exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus

by (few years ago!) / 6154 views
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Similar Jokes

The number twelve goes to a bar

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.

"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

"You're under 18," replies the barman

by (few years ago!)
Belly Button

Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
Her boyfriend was also blonde.

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Why did God create a man before a women?You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

by (few years ago!)
Irish and Scottish on Death Bed

A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spiders web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.

Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes, puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other mans attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out, Jim..my.

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, Paddy.

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, Scottish.

by (few years ago!)
DEPARTMENT OF FISH AND WILDLIFE WARNING

The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?""Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.""What sort of trouble?""Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.""Went away?""They disappeared.""Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?""Nothing.""Nothing?""Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.""Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?""How do I tell?""Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?""Whats a sea-prompt?""Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?""There isnt any cursor, I told you, it wont accept anything I type.""Does your monitor have a power indicator?""Whats a monitor?""Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on?""I dont know.""Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?""Yes, I think so.""Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.""... ...Yes, it is.""When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?""No.""Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.""... ...Okay, here it is.""Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer.""I cant reach.""Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?""No.""Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?""Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle - its because its dark.""Dark?""Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming i n from the window.""Well, turn on the office light then.""I cant.""No? Why not?""Because theres a power outage.""A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?""Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.""Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.""Really? Is it that bad?""Yes, Im afraid it is.""Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?""Tell them youre too stupid to own a computer."

by (few years ago!)
DOWN A DEEP HOLE

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"

Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!

The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".

So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.

The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"

The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.

The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block."

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

by (few years ago!)
A BIGGER HANDFUL OF QUICKIES


Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other.
"Okay," replied the bartender, "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."



This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"



A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"



A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."



Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."



A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."



A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre... so the barman gave her one!



Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of Bud please"
and the second donkey says "hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that"



So two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."



A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."
The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!

by (few years ago!)
Marriage Jokes

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!).

Marriage is a 3-ring circus - engagement ring, wedding ring and Suffering.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels.
Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."

by (few years ago!)
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