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Blonde jokes

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by nand she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said Well, Im done with the Wal Mart lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart

by (few years ago!) / 6146 views
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Bar jokes beer booze and fun

Old man OMalley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasnt paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow OMalley of her old mans death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "Im sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?""Knowing Brian OMalley as well as I did, I dont think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the mens room."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?A: They both have black roots.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked Say Father, what causes arthritis? The priest replies My son, its caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man Well Ill be darned the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper. The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. Im sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? I dont have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."The brunette says, "Ive been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.Then, the red head says, "Ive been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.The genie asks, "My dear, whats the matter?"The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

by (few years ago!)
THE GREAT BLONDE KIDNAP


A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.

He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

by (few years ago!)
A QUICK ROUND OF SHORTS

A dyslexic walks into a bra...


A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm so thirsty I could like the sweat off a cow's balls."
a guy in the corner says "Moooo!"


Two condoms walking past a gay bar. One turns to the other and says "Wanna go get shit faced?"

A baby seal walks into a club...


What do you call a basement full of women?
A whine cellar!


Two gays walking past the funeral parlour, one says "fancy popping in and sucking down a couple of cold ones?"


A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and says "two pints please, one for me and one for the road."


Some Bacon and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender stops them and says "sorry, we don't serve breakfast in here."


A guy walks into a bar on the moon and says to the bartender "Hey, there's no atmosphere in here!"


Four gays in the bar and only one stool. What do they do?
Turn it over

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna finda fake Jeep?"

by (few years ago!)
Dog Day Afternoon

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?'

The guy says, 'I said BAD DOG!'

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?A: So you dont have to retrain them every Monday.

by (few years ago!)
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