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QUOTES FROM EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL REPORTS

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this associate to breed.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.

This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

by (few years ago!) / 17022 views
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Similar Jokes

Dog jokes

My dog is great at math. Really ? Ask him how much is two minus two. But two minus two is nothing! Thats what hell answer, nothing!

by (few years ago!)
First Morning

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, ''What's that?'' pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, ''Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night.''

And she, in amazement, asked, ''Is that all we have left?''

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

by (few years ago!)
Unlocking your car

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

by (few years ago!)
Kitty Porn - Part II

All over the world there are increasing reports of kitty porn. China, Japan and the Netherlands have all become hot spots on the kitty porn circuit. Several organizations track these phenomena such as the "WWW Cat Map" recently awarded POINT'S prestigious "Top 5% of the Web" award. It chronicles some of the world's most notorious cat pages. Pages like these can be a boon to those concerned with kitty porn, but they can also be misused by those seeking cat pictures for prurient purposes.

Kitty porn spans economic lines as well as national borders. The kitty porn scene is no longer characterized by poorly lit amateur photographs of underprivileged cats, but reaches all the way to the top as this picture of the First Kitty, Socks, photographed by the Smithsonian, shows. No cat is safe no matter what their upbringing or how powerful their family is.

Though humans are responsible for most of the startling pornography on the internet, a growing number of cases are being attributed to the Feline Mafia Organization (FMO). Who are they, and what has been their effect in the kitty porn controversy? Is anything being done?

We talked to Special Agent Punner about the problem. "Well, the problem has paw-satively become cat-astrophic in its pro-paw-tions. Just last week I was helping track down a flea-ing fur-getive who was making a feline for neuter-al territory be-claws of crimes against a young fur-gin named Fuzzy Love. The fur-ious women who spayed at home surfing the Internet wasn't lion when she called in the crime. To say it stroked us the wrong way around here, barely scratches the surface. The purr-petrator litter-aly came within a whisker of getting away, but it was the cat's meow, interestingly enough, that lead to our apprehending of the hair-ied fat cat responsible. Now he's praying not to get collared and either tossed in the kennel or thrown to the wolves."

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. Thats why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

by (few years ago!)
Bars & Bartender Jokes & Funny Stories - 2

Did you hear about the florist who had two children?
One is a budding genius and the other one is a blooming idiot.

by (few years ago!)
A FORGETFUL BARTENDER

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage quotes 07

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Man and wife make one fool.

by (few years ago!)
THE FIRE DOG


A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.

The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!

by (few years ago!)
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