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A HANDFUL OF QUICKIES

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."



A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."



A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"
The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."



So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .



A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"
The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."



Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown.
Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny

by (few years ago!) / 485 views
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Dog jokes

Why is a dogs nose in the middle of its face? - A: Because its the scenter.

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HORMONE RELACEMENT NEWSFLASH

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't driver.

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Blonde jokes

What are the worst six years in a blondes life?A: Third Grade.

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TALES FROM THE GOLF COURSE


One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot off into a patch of buttercups. Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball. After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups". Startled, he looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail.

Again the man prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups". This time when the man looked to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechaun standing by him.

The little man spoke to the man and said, "Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club, I will reward you with a year's supply of butter for free".

The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied, "That's a fine offer, but I have but one question for you, where were you last week when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?"

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you do.

by (few years ago!)
THE GOOD SAMARITAN

A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"

"Yep!"

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"

"Yep."

Then the Good Samaritan got to think that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs.

However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Yep."

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, Then went back downstairs.

To his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over toward him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, save me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft

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Computer jokes

What do you do if your computer hums?Tell it to change its socsks!

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THE OWL AND THE PUSSY CAT


The owl and the pussycat went to sea,
but the end of our story's quite sad.
The owl pushed the pussycat over the edge
`cos her gameboy was driving him mad.

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Sports jokes

One night, Kirk passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy, Bernie, awoke to the sound of Kirk's voice from beyond. "Kirk is that you?" Bernie asked.

"Yes, it's me," Kirk replied.

"This is unbelievable" Bernie exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

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Random lawyer jokes

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by (few years ago!)
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