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A HANDFUL OF QUICKIES

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."



A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."



A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"
The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."



So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .



A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"
The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."



Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown.
Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny

by (few years ago!) / 453 views
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Similar Jokes

Bars & Bartender Jokes & Funny Stories - 2

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What do you call a nutty dog in Australia ?A dingo-ling !

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"

by (few years ago!)
CRUISING WITH THE PENGUINS


A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!

by (few years ago!)
SO YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH


A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"

The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"

The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?

by (few years ago!)
IS THAT YOUR DOG?

A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

What did the bumble bee striker say ?Hive scored !

by (few years ago!)
Question and answer

My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
She sells C shells by the seashore.

Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.

Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?
A: You get a short circut.

Picture a robot on a psychiatric couch: Doc, my intelligence may be artificial, but my problems are real.

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.

by (few years ago!)
Something to Offend Everyone

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog! is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

by (few years ago!)
“First Official Joker Picture”

It looks AMAZING I wasn’t sure if they would be able to pull it off but they did it. He scary lookin’.

by (few years ago!)
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