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Zoo jokes

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tigers cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..." "Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. "What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

by (few years ago!) / 541 views
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Men Vs. Women Jokes

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started
back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a
grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your
private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale." Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said. Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

by (few years ago!)
Computer used too long

You know you have been on the computer too long when...

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

...You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a '\', and continue writing on the next line.

by (few years ago!)
Lots more wedding jokes ...

This couple were married for 67 years. The husband was asked; if in all those years had they ever thought of divorce. "Heavens no" he replied. Murder yes, but never divorce.

There were these two women who were friends and neighbours. One noticed that the other always seemed to have lots of new goodies; jewelry, furs, latest fashions, frequent hair salon trips & manicures, etc. She asked:" how do you get all that great stuff?"" I do it by charging my husband five dollars every time we have sex", she said; "and you can do the same, it really adds up. But you must remain firm. Don't let him talk you into accepting less, don't let him coax you into doing it for no charge"."Great", she said, "that sounds easy, I"ll do it". So, the next time her hubby wanted to have sex, she said: "from now on, you have to give me five dollars each time we have sex" She also told him why."Oh, I see", he said; "okay". He then went to get the money, but realized that he had only $4.50 She refused to accept it: "If we have sex you must give me the full amount, five bucks". He said: "Alright, so we can't have sex; but can I touch you for the $4.50? "We'll just make-out, okay?" "Okay" she said. As her hubby kissed her, fondled her body, rubbed against her, etc. she got really hot and bothered. Finally, she was so turned on, that she said to him: "If it's all the same to you, I'll lend you fifty cents until tomorrow".

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball? The Philadelphia Beagles!

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didnt hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didnt waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age Id hit the ball right over that tree." With that chal lenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

by (few years ago!)
TRICKS OF THE TRADE


There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"

He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered,"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

What is a conservative?A: A liberal whos been mugged.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second.

by (few years ago!)
Enchanted Rattle Snake

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".

by (few years ago!)
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