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Zoo jokes

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tigers cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..." "Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. "What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

by (few years ago!) / 528 views
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Similar Jokes

Jelly

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how’s your breakfast this morning?" "It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."

by (few years ago!)
Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

by (few years ago!)
Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was onvacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in theworst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blondeshouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

by (few years ago!)
A Hot Day

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor,I'm already here."

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"Caddy: "The way you play, sir, its a sin any day of the week!"

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Animals - 3

A man is driving his car along a lonely country road when suddenly grinds to a halt. The driver tries to restart it but to no avail. So he gets out and opens the bonnet and starts fiddling with the plugs. Suddenly he hears a voice. "The left hand carburettor is blocked, why don't you drain it and the muck should come out too". He turns round and can see no one, so he shrugs and goes back to what he was doing.
"Drain the muck out of the left hand carburettor", says the voice again, and when he turns round all he can see is a black horse with its head over the hedge looking at him. Again the voice tells him what to do and he suddenly realises that the horse is giving him instructions. Too shocked to argue, he does as he is told, starts the car and sure enough it works. He drives down to the nearest pub and, rushing in like a madman, has a stiff drink. Then he says to the barman, "My car broke down up there and a horse told me how to repair it".
The barman looks at him and says, "Was it a black one?"
"Yes."
"I thought so, the white one knows nothing about cars."

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

What stories are told by basketball players?Tall stories!

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

When is a black dog not a black dog ?When its a greyhound !

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Whats the difference between a lawyer and an onion?You cry when you cut up an onion.

by (few years ago!)
Q & A lawyers

Why do lawyers wear tight ties?
So their foreskin doesn't creep up and cover their face.

What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's black and brown and look great on lawyers?
Dobermans

What's the difference between a Rooster and a Lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?

To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Why do they bury lawyers 27 feet under?
'Cuz deep, deep down, they're good people!

What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had first pick.

How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?
When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck.

What the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute quits after you're dead!
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips move.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off it's head

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its ass.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.

by (few years ago!)
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