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Blonde jokes

Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth? A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the blonde joke list.

by (few years ago!) / 598 views
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A QUICK SPELLING TEST


The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and asked who could spell it.

George raised his hand and he spelled out, "d-i-k-t-a-t-e."

The teacher said, "sorry that's wrong" Then she asked Stephen.

Stephen slowly spelled out, "d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e."

"Sorry" says the teacher, "that's not right either."

Next, she asked Fiona After a slight pause Fiona began spelling, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e."

"Very good Fiona," applauded the teacher, "that's correct. Now," the teacher continued, "who can use this word in a sentence?"

Stephen raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, "I know-Iknow,"

"OK" replied the teacher, "please use the word Stephen."

Stephen responded, "How did my dictate last night, Fiona?"

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?Cut the rope.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear"? Its about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

by (few years ago!)
INTELLIGENT CAR RADIO


A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.

She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.

A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!"

...The radio cut over to George Bush's press conference.

by (few years ago!)
BLOWING CHUNKS


A man walks into a bar acting really weird. He sits down and the man next to him asks, "What's wrong buddy?"

The man replied, "I've been blowing chunks all night!"

The man next to him replies, "Well that's not that bad, you just had to much to drink."

The man then said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

by (few years ago!)
How to Write Good - Part I

Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. The adverb always follows the verb.

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. Remember to never split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. Be more or less specific.

15. Understatement is always best

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel has died of thirst. Hes crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. Theres a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "Im not falling for this." says the man. "Im not going to trust a used car salesman!" "What do you have to lose? Youve got no transportation, and it looks like youre a goner anyway! " The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, whats your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish that no matter where I go a beautiful woman will want and need me." ***POOF*** Hes turned into a tampon. The moral of the story? If a used car salesman offers you anything at no cost, theres going to be a string attached s omewhere!

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying outthe casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher: Why cant you ever answer any of my questions?Pupil: Well if I could there wouldnt be much point in me being here!

by (few years ago!)
What's Your Name?

It was the first day of the school year and the first grade teacher was asking her students their names. "What's your name?" she asked a little girl in the front row.
"Happy Butt," the little girl cheerfully replied.

"Honey, I don't think that's your name. I'd like you to go to the principal's office to get this straightened out," said the teacher.

So, the little girl went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"

"Happy Butt," she answered.

The principal phoned the little girl's mother to get this cleared up once and for all.

As soon as he hung up the phone, he looked at the litte girl and said, "Your name is Gladys, dear, not Happy Butt."

"Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?" exclaimed the little girl.

by (few years ago!)
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