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What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?A: Her ankles.

by (few years ago!) / 421 views
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THREE ENGLISHMEN...


These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I hear that St Patrick was a shirt lifter."

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and I hear he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me

by (few years ago!)
Bill Clinton, a limo driver, and a pig

One day, Bill Clinton decided to go for a ride in his limo. He was tired of the city, so he told his limo driver to take him to the country.

They drove around for hours, and it soon became late. The driver was geting rather tired and found it difficult to keep his eyes open.

Suddenly, the limo hit a huge bump and and the two men heard a terrible scream.

The limo driver stopped the car immediatly to see what had happened. Bill Clinton soon got out of the car also, to investigate.

"What happened?!" asked Bill.

"I ran over a pig," replied his driver.

Bill Clinton looked horrified.
"Well go over to that farmhouse and tell them what you did. That pig could have been their's."

So the driver walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door.
Bill Clinton waited in the limo for nearly 2 and a half hours.

Finally, the limo driver came back and got back into the car. Bill Clinton, infuriated that his driver had left him alone for so long, demanded to know where he had been.

"Do you know how long you've been gone?! What happened up there?" he asked.

The limo driver, happily confused, replied, "Those people up there threw me a huge party."

Bill Clinton, confused himself, asked, "What? Why?"

The limo driver started up his car and answered, "I told them I was driving Bill Clinton around, and I ran over the pig."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?A: Double-dumb.

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

Labor pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff -doctor's cane
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrate - cheaper than day rate
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favoring young people
Rectum - damn near killed 'em
Recovery Room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amorous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion - hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Tablet - small tablet
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumor - an extra pair
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - located nearby
Vein - conceited

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Ted, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Ted stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Annie?"

Annie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Annie," said the teacher.

"What about your father, Bobby?" Bobby proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Bobby's house and rang the bell. Bobby's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Bobby's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But, how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

by (few years ago!)
THE PROFESSOR BITES BACK

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

by (few years ago!)
Bars & Bartender Jokes & Funny Stories - 2

A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
Then a second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to it's head, he sits down, and the bartender says, "I don't mind the long face, but don't u go and try to start anything!"

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight?Delighted.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ?When the door is open !

by (few years ago!)
Letter to God

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a religious woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter #1:
"Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Leroy"

Leroy knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter #2:
"Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Leroy"

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.

Letter #3:
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,
Leroy"

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

By now Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner", Leroy's mother told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Leroy began to write yet another letter to God.

Letter #4:
"God, I've got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike!

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO"

by (few years ago!)
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