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Blonde jokes

I looked into a blondes eyes but all I saw was the back of her heard

by (few years ago!) / 1037 views
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Jokes And Funny Stories About Animals - 4

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The frightened burglar stopped dead. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", replied the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the doberman Jesus."

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building."Your workers, theyre escaping!" cries the visitor. "Youve got to stop them.""Dont worry, theyll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one oclock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?""Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

by (few years ago!)
Something to Offend Everyone

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog! is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

The hyena asks, "What did you do that for?"

"Well," answers the pachyderm, "About 80 years ago that turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found that SOB, and paid him back."

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

How long does a United States Congressman serve? ANSWER: Until he gets caught.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What do you call a blonde holding a balloon?A: Siamese twins.

by (few years ago!)
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "Its my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "Thats not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldnt quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, Ill take the meat."

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?A: A dependent Claus.

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Whats the best way to kill a man?A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

Why are women such bad drivers?Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.

by (few years ago!)
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