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Blonde jokes

One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free

by (few years ago!) / 532 views
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BAR JOKES - WALKE IN A BAR

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve bears."

The bear demands a drink, but the bartender keeps refusing. Finally, the bear, glancing over at a woman sitting on a stool near him, says, "Either give me a drink, or I'll bite off the arm of this woman sitting next to me."
The bartender still refuses, so the bear leans over and bites off her arm. "Now, get me a drink, or I'll bite off her other arm too."

The bartender says, "Sorry, man, it's not my policy. We don't serve bears."
So the bear takes off her other arm. "Now get me a drink, or else I'll finish her off."

But the bartender says no again, so the bear turns around, eats the rest of the women, and says, "Now get me a drink, or you're next."
The bartender shrugs. "Sorry, we don't serve people who take drugs."

The bear says, "I haven't taken any drugs."
But the bartender replies, "Well, that was a barbiturate."

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots, whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach you parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

A Chihuahua was shopping in a mall when another shopper walked up to it and started talking. Didnt I see you on a TV commercial? How am I supposed to know what you watch on TV?

by (few years ago!)
So a murderer walks into a bar...

I'm not actually sure why this bugs me more than the general MeFi snark, but the general internet tendency to make jokes about this murder trial while it's a current event has always left a bad taste in my mouth.

Am I being unneccessarily prudish? Where's the line? Does this cross it?

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders?A: So they dont get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying "I dont know?" whenever you ask them a question.

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth? Fred: I dont know, Sir. Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith?

by (few years ago!)
You can't bring that dog in this bar

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice, "Pssst you come over here!" He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound. "yes over here!" Said the greyhound "Look at me Im tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?" The man thought to himself "Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the owner.He found the owner and said "Id like to buy your dog, is he for sale??" The owner says "No mate you dont want that old moth eaten thing!" "But I do!" Insisted the man "Illl give you 1000 pounds for him. "Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing over the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied "Because that dogs a bloody liar its never won a race in its life!"

by (few years ago!)
Funny Animal Jokes

Cats in International Falls, Minnesota, are not allowed to chase dogs up telephone poles.

If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to have it done.

No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.

An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Another misworded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."

Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.

In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.

A Fountain Inn, South Carolina, law once required horses to wear pants at all times. But carriage horses in Charleston, South Carolina, were required to wear diapers.

In Calgary, Canada, a by-law requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.

In Winona, MS, it is illegal to drive a car on Main Street because it frightens horses.

In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to "ride an ugly horse" - the fine is $300!

If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats, cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.

In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your hotel room.

In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.

In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a street lamp.

Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston, Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.

In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.

It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North Carolina.

by (few years ago!)
ONE DAY WHILE SCAFFOLDING

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

by (few years ago!)
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