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A HANDFUL OF QUICKIES

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."



A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."



A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"
The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."



So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .



A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"
The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."



Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown.
Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?

by (few years ago!) / 554 views
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Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia ?Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !

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Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months?A. Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years.

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Marriage jokes

My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wifehired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were infact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, butto see if I could find out what she saw in ya."

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THE CHARM OFFENSIVE


This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door. "And what time do you call this," she starts angrily, "You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!"

"Look," the guy responds calmly, "How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?"

"Oh, all right then." his now really hungry wife agrees.

"Fine." He says, and throws up all over her!

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Where do you take a Chihuahua that has fallen into a lake? To a weterinarian!

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THE PROPOSITION


A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

by (few years ago!)
Romantic Pink Slip

Dear __________________________,

I regret to inform you that
you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably
aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such
as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on
file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your
future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)


__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't
imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just
not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
__ The fact that our finest dining experience
to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
__ Your inadvertent admission that you
"buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for
something other than my personality.
__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I
asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you
can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
__ You're too short. Any son that we produced
would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. AMEN!
__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic
neck condition from trying to kiss you.
__ The fact that your apartment has been
condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find
your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
__ Your frequent references to your
ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a
trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
__ Your height is out of proportion to your
weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches,
please resubmit your application.
__ The fact that you categorize the
ProBowler's Tour as 'Must See TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence
requirements.
__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found
in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
__ I am out of your league; set your sights
lower next time.



Sincerely,

by (few years ago!)
A STATE OF THE ART WATCH

A confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do?Take the words right out of his mouth.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A mother and her child were at a wedding. A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because shes happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

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by (few years ago!)
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