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UNDER THE STREET LIGHT

Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked.

"My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement."

The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. "Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by.

"About half a block up the street," replied the drunk.

"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"

The drunk said: "Because the light's a lot better here."\

by (few years ago!) / 814 views
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Lawyer jokes

Recently overheard in the Boulder, Colorado County Courthouse:

Defense lawyer: "You are a fool."

Prosecutor: "And you are a damned fool."

Judge: "As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didnt.marr

by (few years ago!)
The Ten Commandments for C Programmers

1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.

2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.

3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.

4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program.

5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest ``foo'' someone someday shall type ``supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''.

6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest ``it cannot happen to me'', the gods shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance.

7. Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to re-invent them without cause, that thy code may be short and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.

8. Thou shalt make thy program's purpose and structure clear to thy fellow man by using the One True Brace Style, even if thou likest it not, for thy creativity is better used in solving problems than in creating beautiful new impediments to understanding.

9. Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first six characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome and the years of its necessity stretch before thee seemingly without end, lest thou tear thy hair out and go mad on that fateful day when thou desirest to make thy program run on an old system.

10. Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile heresy which claimeth that ``All the world's a VAX'', and have no commerce with the benighted heathens who cling to this barbarous belief, that the days of thy program may be long even though the days of thy current machine be short.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring... Wedding ring... Suffering!!!

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

Us blonds at the offise are sew tired of awl of the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supreme cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?A widower.

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a drivers windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldnt make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think Ill close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

by (few years ago!)
DURING A MESSY DIVORCE


A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.

"Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"

"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"

"Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your your Father?"

"No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"

The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?"

"I'd like to live with Watford Football Club" the boy replied quickly.

"Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.

"Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone"

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

"You and your husband dont seem to have an awful lot incommon," said the new tenants neighbor. "Why on earthdid you get married?""I suppose it was the old business of opposites attract,"was the reply. "He wasnt pregnant and I was."

by (few years ago!)
Warning: New Date Rape Drug

Be on the lookout! Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "beer", is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere.
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened the night before...usually with a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship".
Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and
frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "golf courses" in the yellow pages.

by (few years ago!)
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