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A LUCKY BREAK

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled.

by (few years ago!) / 530 views
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THE BLONDE TELEGRAM


Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

by (few years ago!)
A STORY ABOUT EVERYBODY


This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

Then the waitress asked Arthur Guinness what he wanted to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness ordered a Coke!

by (few years ago!)
office jokes

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs.

TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

UMFRIEND: A personal relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend."

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after lunch, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him; He's 404, man."

by (few years ago!)
A NEW SPORT?


First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.

Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?

First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What kind of dog doesnt do well in hot weather? A faint Bernard!

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911.

Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."

Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"

Blonde: "Yes."

Operator: "The power in the house in on?"

Blonde: "Of course."

Operator: "And the switch is on?"

Blonde: "Yes, yes."

Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"

Blonde: "No, it's working fine."

Operator: "Then what's the problem?"

Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves!"

by (few years ago!)
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