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A LUCKY BREAK

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled.

by (few years ago!) / 507 views
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Sports jokes

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

by (few years ago!)
An Hour Fast

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde.

"I just got this amazing watch," he tells her, "it can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking."

"What does it say about me?" asked the blonde.

"It says you want to sleep with me." said the man.

"Sorry," said the blonde, "I think your watch is broken."

"Hmmm," said the man slowly examining the watch, "It seems to be running an hour fast..."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

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Dog jokes

What kind of dog doesnt do well in hot weather? A faint Bernard!

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Zoo jokes

There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, "Whats going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"The new truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now were going to see a movie."

by (few years ago!)
digital clock

Q: What did the digital clock say to his mother?

A: Look ma no hands

by (few years ago!)
office jokes

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it read "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'."

by (few years ago!)
An Orgasmic Problem

A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

But lets get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding ? Ahusband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometercontrols the weather.

by (few years ago!)
THREE BEERS

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.

"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "so which one died?"

"No one."

"But you only ordered two drinks!"

"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

by (few years ago!)
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