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A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled.

by (few years ago!) / 557 views
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Similar Jokes

Zoo jokes

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think theyll go?"The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

by (few years ago!)

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why couldnt the blonde write the number ELEVEN?A: Because she didnt know which one came first!

by (few years ago!)

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"

Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!

The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".

So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

by (few years ago!)
Bush jokes about planning for daughter's wedding

WASHINGTON (AP) - President Bush says he's been facing some "very difficult spending decisions" and conducting some "sensitive diplomacy."

He says that's what planning a wedding is all about.

The president got some laughs today from an audience at the U.S. Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, with his joke about the preparations for the May 10th wedding of his daughter Jenna and her fiance, Henry Hager. It'll take place at the ranch in Crawford, Texas, instead of at the White House.

The first lady recently described Hager as a "really good guy." Laura Bush told CBS that he'll be the son her husband never had.

Copyright 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?A: She didnt know where to buy Left Guard!

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attemptsto earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, assoon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him anddrags him into his office. The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoos mostpopular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and thekeeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. Heoffers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until theycan get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit andenters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its agreat job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun ofpeople and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires ofjust swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying moreattention to the lion in the cag e next to his. Not wanting tolose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top ofhis cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the topto the lions cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keepercomes and gives the mime a raise for being such a goodattraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps tauntingthe lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps goingup. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over thefurious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. Thelion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and roundthe cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime startsscreaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quickand pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up atthe angry lion and the lion says, " Shut up you idiot! Do youwant to get us both fired?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What does a blonde owl say?A: What, what?

by (few years ago!)

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."

“POOF” The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive."

“POOF” The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think. . . ."


by (few years ago!)
Inventive Excuses for Missing Work - Part II

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

9. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

10. I prefer to remain an enigma.

11. My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

12. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

13. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

14. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

15. I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

16. I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead!

by (few years ago!)
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