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Blonde jokes

How did the blonde kill her toy poodle?A: Trying to put batteries in it.

by (few years ago!) / 571 views
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Lawyer jokes

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?Cut the rope.

by (few years ago!)
Zoo jokes

Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo? One to get in and one to get out.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice, "Pssst you come over here!" He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound. "yes over here!" Said the greyhound "Look at me Im tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?" The man thought to himself "Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the owner.He found the owner and said "Id like to buy your dog, is he for sale??" The owner says "No mate you dont want that old moth eaten thing!" "But I do!" Insisted the man "Illl give you 1000 pounds for him. "Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing over the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied "Because that dogs a bloody liar its never won a race in its life!"

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartenter " Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt scotch quick!"] The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says " Wow. I never saw anybady drink that fast." The man says " well you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have." The bartender says " Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?" The man looks at him and says " Fifty cents."

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

A shapely young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair. So she decides to go to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day the blonde comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with his blonde wife not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, "Just shut up! You're next."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her. She screams, Nein! Nein! So two guys walk away.

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

A hyena is drinking at the watering hole one day, when he sees an elephant come for a drink. Close to the water, the elephant stops short and inspects a turtle for a few seconds. Then the elephant rears back and kicks the turtle, making it fly the better part of a mile.

The hyena asks, "What did you do that for?"

"Well," answers the pachyderm, "About 80 years ago that turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found that SOB, and paid him back."

"Eighty years! How in the name of heaven could you remember what that elephant looked like after that many years?"

The elephant replied, "I have turtle recall

by (few years ago!)
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE


Pat is appearing on the television quiz show 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. He has already reached the £64,000 mark but he only has one lifeline left which is to phone a friend.

"You've done really well to get this far Pat" the quizmaster says, "the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play. Are you ready?"

"Sure" Pat nods.

"On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as a small baby." the quizmaster continues, "The question is Pat, and don't forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?"

Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says "I'm pretty sure it's Ruud Van Nistelroy... No, I'm sure it is... Can I phone a friend just to check?"

"OK" the quizmaster asks, "Who are going to phone?"

Pat answers and pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at the other end. The quizmaster explains the situation to Mick and Pat asks him the same question.

Without any hesitation Mick replies "No, that's definately Paul Scholes "

Pat looks concerned now "Are you sure Mick, I'm convinced that it's Ruud Van Nistelroy?"

"Definately" Mick replies.

"Well" the quizmaster continues, "You've used your lifeline, now I need your answer"

"OK" says Pat, looking nervous now, "But I'm sure it's Ruud Van Nistelroy, that's my final answer... Ruud Van Nistelroy."

"You had £64,000 Pat, If you're right you win £125,000, if you're wrong you leave us with the money you've got so far..." There's a tense drum roll and the music dips before the quizmaster speaks again

"Sorry Pat, you were wrong. Never mind, you've been a great contestant and you've won £64,000. Here's your cheque and thanks for playing."

As the audience start to applaud Pat asks, "What was the correct answer, it's killing me!"

The quizmaster replies, "Louis Saha."

by (few years ago!)
BAR JOKES

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

by (few years ago!)
What do you call a three-legged donkey with one eye that listens to country-western music

By this point, we were in a fit of giggles. The bartender might have told us more, but I stopped writing them down. I can tell you that he got a good tip, and my friend’s phone number.


None of these are hilarious jokes, right? But, they are fairly easy to remember, and work well in the bar…after you’ve had a few drinks. Tell the jokes. I dare you.

by (few years ago!)
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