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What does Santa call his wife at tax time?A: A dependent Claus.

by (few years ago!) / 830 views
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Internet highway blues

The Information Highway Blues

My baby's got my 486.

My cellular phone's on the blink.

My fax's gone off to fax heaven,

And Pay For View stinks.

I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.

I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.

I lost my account on the Internet.

My email's been revoked.

My modem's stuck at 300 baud,

And my terminal just blinks.

I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues .

I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.

My head spins from Virtual Reality.

I don't have Video on demand.

I can't read my Personal Newspaper,

And Shop At Home has kinks.

I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.

I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.

Jack "Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.

by (few years ago!)
A Hot Day at The Church

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit (groan) on a hot day.

So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel. They ask who it is.

"The blind man," a voice replies. The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind.

He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

by (few years ago!)
Jokes & Funny Stories About Blondes

We have a Blonde where I work, who is so dumb she thinks Manual Labor is a Mexican.

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher : Why are you the only child in the classroom today ?Pupil : Because I was the only one who didnt have school dinners yesterday !

by (few years ago!)
MARRIAGE JOKES

Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be great. It takes time to find the right restaurant."

by (few years ago!)
QUOTES FROM EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL REPORTS

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this associate to breed.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.

This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "Thats nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You havent said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. Whats the deal?" Fourth Guy: "I dont want to talk about it. Lets just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."

by (few years ago!)
STROLLING DOWN THE STREET ONE DAY


Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

by (few years ago!)
A Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

by (few years ago!)
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