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Blonde jokes

Why do blondes hate M&Ms?A: Theyre too hard to peel.

by (few years ago!) / 541 views
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Three Guys Go to Heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter. So, Peter asks the first guy, how many times did you cheat on your wife?

None. I had a perfect marriage.

Great, says Peter. You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?

Only twice, I think, says the second guy.

Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?

12 times. Maybe 13, says the third guy.

Okay, says Peter. You get a rusty Ford.

by (few years ago!)
Who's In Charge

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determinedto track down the father to extract revenge."Was it my friend Sam", he demanded."No !" his weeping wife replied."Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked."NO !!!" she said even more upset."Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked."Dont you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

by (few years ago!)
GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS


God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"

Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."

God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."

Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"

God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The Japanese team had six people rowing and one person steering and rowing; the American team had two people rowing and five people steering. After a year of study and thousands spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American teams management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure for the American s was: one quality assurance manager, two steering managers, one area steering managers, and a new performance review manager for the two people rowing the boat to provide work incentive. That year, the Japanese won by TWO miles !!! Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rowers for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage quotes 15

All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.

May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

by (few years ago!)
Jokes & Funny Stories About Blondes - 3

There were two brunettes in the front of a truck, and three blondes in the back. They rolled off a cliff into the ocean. The brunettes survived, but the blondes died. Why?
They couldn't get the tailgate open.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

Why didnt Noah go fishing? A: He only had two worms!

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern."Paddy," he said, " Im afraid Ill not be seeing you in Heaven one day.""Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

by (few years ago!)
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