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Blonde jokes

Why do blondes hate M&Ms?A: Theyre too hard to peel.

by (few years ago!) / 520 views
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School jokes

Teacher: You arent paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?Pupil: No, teacher Im having trouble listening!

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Dont do it!" "Why shouldnt I?" he said. I said, "Well, theres so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well ... are you religious or atheist?" "Religious." "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist." "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

by (few years ago!)
This dog is acting bad

While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.

A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"

To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

What is the proper weight for a lawyer?About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing atthe counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with heartsall over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all overthem.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man andasks him what he is doing. The man says "Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cardssigned, Guess who?""But why?" asks the man."Im a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

by (few years ago!)
AMAZINGLY REAL EXTRACTS FROM AMERICAN COURTROOMS

Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

* * *

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

* * *

"Did he kill you?"

* * *

"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

* * *

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

* * *

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

* * *

"How was your first marriage terminated?"
"By death."
"And by whose death was it terminated?"

* * *

"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"

* * *

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

* * *

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision

by (few years ago!)
The Rules of Bureaucracy

Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

by (few years ago!)
office jokes

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

by (few years ago!)
Difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

by (few years ago!)
UNDER THE STREET LIGHT

Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked.

"My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement."

The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. "Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by.

"About half a block up the street," replied the drunk.

"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"

The drunk said: "Because the light's a lot better here.

by (few years ago!)
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