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Redneck Theft

You might be a redneck if you are working at a welfare office and are arrested for stealing food stamps.

by (few years ago!) / 708 views
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Blonde jokes

What is the blondes chronic speech impediment?A: She cant say "No".

by (few years ago!)
EXPLORATIONS IN SPACE

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!

by (few years ago!)
Rednecks

Bubba went to a psychiatrist "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears"

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist.

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" Asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

The USA finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens.

He walked up to the front door and found it open. He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched, she kept stirring and stirring.

After a couple of hours, he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth.

She replied, "How do you do it on Earth?" With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "Come on back to the bedroom and I'll show you." After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced, he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette. She said, "Well where is the baby." He said, "Oh that takes nine months."

She replied, "Well, then why did you stop stirring?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How do you drown a blonde?A1. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.A2. Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

One whale turned to the other whale and said, "Hey! Do you see that fishing boat off in the distance? What do you say we swim over there, blow some water out of our blow holes, ram the boat and eat all the fishermen?"

The second killer whale said, "Well, I am up for the blow job, but I don't eat seamen."

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "Whatll you have?" The guy answers A scotch please The bartender hands him the drink, and says Thatll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I dont owe you anything for this."A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, hes got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But dont ever let me catch you in here again."The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I cant believe youve got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? Ive never been in this place in my l ife!" The bartender replies, "Im very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."To which the guy replies Thank you. Make it a scotch

by (few years ago!)
Before College I Wish I Had Known...

1. That it didnt matter how late I scheduled my first class, Id still sleep through it.

2. That I could change so much and barely realize it.

3. That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.

4. That college kids throw airplanes too.

5. That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.

6. That every clock on campus shows a different time.

7. That if you were smart in high school, so what?

8. That I would go to a party the night before a final.

9. That Chem Labs and Architecture studios take up more time than all my other classes put together.

10. That you can know everything and fail a test.

11. That you can know nothing and ace a test.

12. That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.

13. That home is a great place to visit, but I wouldnt want to live there.

14. That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.

15. That friendship is more than getting drunk together.

16. That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about.

17. The free food server until 10 is gone at 9:50.

18. That Sunday is a figment of the worlds imagination.

19. That Psychology is really Biology, Biology is really Chemistry, Chemistry is really Physics, and that Physics is really Math.

20. That my parents would become so much smarter in the past few years.

21. That its possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends

22. That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on.By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Dont trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demande d to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried."For cryin out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"

by (few years ago!)
PAYING THEIR RESPECTS

An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

" Well today I found out I don't have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."

Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in."

The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a check for the whole amount and threw it in."

by (few years ago!)
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