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Redneck Theft

You might be a redneck if you are working at a welfare office and are arrested for stealing food stamps.

by (few years ago!) / 677 views
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Similar Jokes

Bar jokes beer booze and fun

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "Whatll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "Thatll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I dont owe you anything for this."A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, hes got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But dont ever let me catch you in here again."The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I cant believe youve got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? Ive never been in this place in my l ife!" The bartender replies, "Im very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

Whats the chilliest ground in the premiership ?Cold Trafford !

by (few years ago!)
Devil and Golf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What did the dog say to the pig?You are just a bore.

by (few years ago!)
Ear today...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of your best" he says to the bar man.

Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"

"Yes" the old man replies.

"Do you want a pint?"

"No, ta. I've got one `ere."

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

by (few years ago!)
GM Like Computer Industry

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."

General Motors has issued a press release stating:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.

by (few years ago!)
ON A PRESSING MATTER OF STATE


President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.

"Yes?", replied the President.

"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

by (few years ago!)
NEW SECRETARY


Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"

by (few years ago!)
Make it off the island

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

by (few years ago!)
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