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Blonde jokes

What is the blondes chronic speech impediment?A: She cant say "No".

by (few years ago!) / 567 views
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THE LAST TWO GIFTS OF CREATION


Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Before God had a chance to explain any further, Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to, please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." Adam went on and on like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms..."

by (few years ago!)
The Millennium Kid

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, ''Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins.''

''What a coincidence,'' the man said with some obvious pride. ''I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.''

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, ''You sir, are the father of triplets.''

''Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence '' he answered. ''I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the thirrd man -- who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. ''Don't tell me! Another coincidence?'' asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said ''I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!''
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers...''

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't
get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer
was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she
pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on
this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out
to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and
rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said
to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk.
When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...."
The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove
Disk 1 first.


In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions
for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk
from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically
removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were
problems.

True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because
I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade
show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about
promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep
had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was
laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of
the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is
a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
window and his printer is working fine,"

Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle
of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program
Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

by (few years ago!)
Top 20 Things To Do In A Final Exam

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, "oh geez, better get cracking," and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, "Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "Im SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I dont understand ANY of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal?

And who the hell are you? Wheres the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, "Theyve found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turets Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you dont know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/hes not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

by (few years ago!)
computer jokes

Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The worker trying to communicate said “No, no, he no look to good.” The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened. The worker said, “I told you he no look to good”

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I dont wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than Ive ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wifes first husband."

by (few years ago!)
A Brief History Of Medicine

A short history of medicine:

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?"The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000." "What does he know?""He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions.""How about the second one?""The second parrot costs $5,000.""What does he know?""He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.""Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering.""This one costs $20,000.""Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?""This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him THEIR BOSS."

by (few years ago!)
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