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Blonde jokes

How does a blonde commit suicide A She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

by (few years ago!) / 500 views
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THE TIRED OLD GENIE DOES A FINAL WISH

truck driver was tooling down the highway one afternoon and heard a "pop." Thinking that perhaps he had blown a tire, he steered the rig onto the shoulder and walked back to check his tires.
He found a bottle laying in the gutter. He picked it up and wiped off the label to see what kind of bottle it was when a very old genie popped out.

The genie said, "Man, I'm too old for this! You get one wish -- not three -- just one."

The driver thought long and hard, and finally said, "It would be really nice for all the bridges to be wide enough that over-sized loads could get through without any trouble."

The genie said, "Do you know how many bridges that would be?! Can't you come up with something simpler?"

The driver replied, "How about if you make all the blondes as smart as brunettes?"

The genie shook his head vigorously and answered, "How wide would you like those bridges?"

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

by (few years ago!)
Taliban TV

Only available on Sky Digitaliban.)

06h00 G-Had TV.
Morning prayers.

08h30 Talitubbies.
Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

09h00 Shouts of Praise.
More prayers.

11h00 Jihad's Army.
The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12h00 Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12h30 Panoramadan.
The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over the world.

13h30 Xena: Modestly Dressed Housewife.
Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

14h00 Only Fools and Camels.
Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14h30 Green Peter.
The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15h00 Madrasah Challenge.
Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'

15h30 I Love 629.
A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16h00 Question Time.
Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

17h00 Koranation Street.
Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17h30 Middle-East Enders.
The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.

18h00 Holiday.
The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18h30 Top of the Prophets.
Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

19h00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin?
Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?

20h00 FILM: Shariah's Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21h30 Big Brother.
Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

22h30 Shahs in their Eyes.
More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

23h30 They think it's Allah over.
Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the Mullah' round.

00h00 When Imams Attack.
Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

00h30 The West Bank Show.
Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

01h30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

02h00 A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.

by (few years ago!)
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together...

it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his wife, "Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him, "OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.

Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.

Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.

So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."

At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo. I just gotta see this."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde and Yo Mama Joke Update

A few weeks ago, I asked you to cast your vote on whether blonde and "yo mama" jokes were appropriate for kids. Blonde jokes, it seems, are slightly less offensive than "Yo Mamas," with a nearly 50% approval rating. But my readers opinions are important to me, and both kinds of jokes are now banned from the JokesByKids newsletter.

You can see the latest poll results (or vote, if you haven't already) at:

by (few years ago!)
More wedding jokes ...

Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: "Yes dear".

This married couple were travelling down the highway at a very rapid pace, when a patrolman put on the siren and pulled them over. The officer said to the husband "Can I see your license and registration". The husband says " Why? I wasn't doing anything wrong.", The patrolman replies "Sir I caught you on radar at 110 kilos an hour and the sped limit is 80 in this zone, I'll have to give you a ticket." Well the husband goes nuts saying that he wasn't speeding and the patrolman should be out catching criminals instead harassing law abiding citizens that him and his wife. The patrolman is trying to reason with the husband when the wife leans over and looks at the patrolman and says "You'll have to excuse my husband, he always gets like this when he has been drinking"

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but youve only drawn the cow?Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

by (few years ago!)
Saving Her Butt`

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.

When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna finda fake Jeep?"

by (few years ago!)
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