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Blonde jokes

How many blonde jokes are there? A: One - the rest are all true

by (few years ago!) / 595 views
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Bar jokes

Recently one Congressman from a Bible belt congressional district was asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

The politician responded, "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."

He continued, "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

by (few years ago!)
The Presidential watches

A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says--"you are suppose to read his lips".

He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run . . ."

He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax . . ."

by (few years ago!)
GRADING THE ESSAYS


A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% - I get an A."

A month later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?" The professor handed the student the exam book.

The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!"

by (few years ago!)
Don't Know and Still be Right

A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American too, with the same qualifications had applied for the same job and both were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

"And why?" asked Murphy. "We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

"Simple," replied the manager. "On question 5, the American put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out in a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss (sniff) it better." Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's sh** with me!"

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, Ive had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.Well, you know how she is. "Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. "You were perfectly right. "You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?They got jellygated!

by (few years ago!)
THE WORKS OUTING


This guy was staggering along the road, much the worse for the drink, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into peoples gardens. His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman who decided to question him.

"What do you think you're doing there?" the policeman asked.

"I'm on my works outing" came the slurred reply.

"Then" the policeman queried, "where are all the others?"

"Ah" the man grinned, "You see officer, I'm self employed!"

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game that would be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the Heavenly Host and the devil's own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But I hope that you realize that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right." Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

by (few years ago!)
What do lawyers do after they die?

What do lawyers do after they die?

They lie still.

by (few years ago!)
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