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Why did the blonde get fired...

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

She was throwing away all the W's.

by (few years ago!) / 490 views
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DON'T I LOOK LIKE A COUNT?


The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enroled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

Whats the best way to get a youthful figure? ANSWER: Ask a woman her age

by (few years ago!)
Mafia Job

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting."

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job.

If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.

He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends someo of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.

The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

by (few years ago!)
THE ATTRACTIVE UNDER GRADUATE


One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.

Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."

The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"

To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."

After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"

The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."

The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."

by (few years ago!)
More Computer Viruses

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Tipper Gore Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.

Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Warren Commission Virus : Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.

Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Texas Virus : Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.

Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

Airline Virus : You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS Virus : Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.

Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,
500.

LAPD Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defence".

Billy Graham Virus : When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.

Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

And finally...

JokeGalore.com Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?A retail store.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?""Its $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? Youll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?""Thats my business! Get me the course!"Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before its too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 evening news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: "I bet you $20 he's going to jump."

Blonde: "Okay."

(Back to newscast.) The man jumps.

Blonde: "Okay. Here's my $20."

Brunette: "No, that was too easy. I can't take it."

Blonde: "I insist. I lost."

Brunette: "I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet."

Blonde: "I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice.

by (few years ago!)
Jeff the bellboy

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot. The second man married a telephone operator.

Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, Wow, he`s one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.

The third man married a school teacher.

Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid. At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn`t call until much later in the day.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general. One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started 'venting'. "All lawyers are jerks," he loudly proclaimed.

Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him. "Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."

"Why is that? Are you a lawyer?" the first man asked.

The second guy replied, "No! I'm NOT a lawyer. I'm a jerk."

by (few years ago!)
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