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Inventions by Idiots

1) Inflatable dart board. 2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses. 3) A book on how to read. 4) Solar-powered flashlight. 5) Screen door on a submarine.

by (few years ago!) / 735 views
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Computer jokes

Comments made by Programmers when their programs dont work: Strange... Ive never heard about that. It did work yesterday. Well, the program needs some fixing. How is this possible? The machine seems to be broken. Has the operating system been updated? The user has made an error again. There is something wrong in your test data. I have not touched that module! Yes yes, it will be ready in time. You must have the wrong executable. Oh, its just a feature. Im almost ready. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes. It will be done in no time at all. Its just some unlucky coincidence. I cant test everything! THIS cant do THAT. Didnt I fix it already? Its already there, but it has not been tested. It works, but its not been tested. Somebody must have changed my code. There must be a virus in the application software. Even though i t does not work, how does it feel? How come you didnt find it during the system testing? Its a setup problem. And the Ultimate:A smart user would never do that!

by (few years ago!)
ANOTHER PEARLY GATES VARIATION

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand".

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand".

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill Gates responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

by (few years ago!)
Kids Test Papers

These are from test papers and essays submitted by kids:

1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"

3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

4. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

10. "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

11. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

12. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

13. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

14. "The body consists of three partsthe brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are fivea, e, i, o, and u."

15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

16. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

17. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

18. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

19. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight."

20. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

21. "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

22. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

23. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

24. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."

25. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

by (few years ago!)
Involuntary Muscle

A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher: What is cant short for ?Pupil: Cannot missTeacher: and what is dont short for Pupil: Doughnut !

by (few years ago!)
Authentic Grafitti

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana
I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

by (few years ago!)
CONVERSATIONS WITH TECHNICAL SUPPORT

Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."

• Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"
Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."

• Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?"
Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk."

• Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?"
Customer: "I think it had Office 97."

• Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

• Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."
Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"
Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."

• Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"
Customer: "the top one."

• Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

• Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' "
Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?"

• Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times?A: Once when you tell it, once when you tell her the punchline, and once when she gets it.

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

There was once a high-powered businessman who insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him a tall one for writing longhand a short one for taking down shorthand, and a very small one for adding footnotes.

by (few years ago!)
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