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IN SEARCH OF A GOOD MAN

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings.

She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, "I'm here about your ad."

Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?"

"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.

"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.

"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.

Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

by (few years ago!) / 524 views
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A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?""Sure," he replies. "Whats the problem?""Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I cant even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "Theres always a picture of what the puzzle is." "Its a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

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ANOTHER QUICK RIDDLE


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She had to stop to ask for directions.

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Two boys were playing football in Golden Gate Park when one was attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was walking by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

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"Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.

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Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
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Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
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Jokes And Funny Stories About Animals - 2

Yesterday I was driving around in the country, got thirsty and entered a pub. I was there for five minutes, when a big brown horse entered the pub, sits down at a table, crossed its legs and orders a coffee. I was surprised, and asked the pub keeper if this was not a little strange, that a horse orders a coffee.
"Yes", the man said, "Very strange, indeed. Normally it drinks a pint of beer."

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Warning: New Date Rape Drug

Be on the lookout! Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "beer", is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere.
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened the night before...usually with a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship".
Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and
frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "golf courses" in the yellow pages.

by (few years ago!)
THE BUSINESS MAN AND THE POPE


During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined.

A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.
The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities.

The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

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computer jokes

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Funny Animal Jokes

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.

The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.

He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."

The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."

The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."



by (few years ago!)
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