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AVOIDING THE PUTDOWN

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"

The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."

The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

by (few years ago!) / 578 views
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Sports jokes

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"

The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years!"

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

The teenage blonde girl at the checkout counter looks at him and says, "Single, are you?"

The man replies very sarcastically, "How ever did you guess?"

The blonde replied, "Simple! Because you're ugly."


by (few years ago!)
The amazing flying dog

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

What do you get if you cross a constable with a computer?PC Plod.

by (few years ago!)
BAR JOKES -

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What is 74 to a blonde?A: 69 plus VAT

by (few years ago!)
Waterfowl Issue

In a software design meeting, they were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One engineer said the programming that had been ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe non-linear waterfowl issue."

Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"

The engineer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

There were three women waiting to be executed: A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. It was an old-fashioned execution. Of course, these women didn't want to die, so they needed a plan. The redhead said, "I have an idea. Follow my lead."

So, when it was time for the redhead's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied.

"Okay then. We're set. Ready. Aim ... "

"TORNADO!" the redhead yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped!

The brunette and blonde saw this. So, when it was time for the brunette's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied. "Okay then. We're set. Ready. Aim ... "

"FLOOD!" the brunette yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped, too!

Now the blonde understood this. So, when it was time for the blonde's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied. "Okay then. We're set. Ready. Aim ... "

"FIRE!" ...

by (few years ago!)
Soviet Journalist

A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

by (few years ago!)
Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. But how? inquired the lawyer. You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.

The jury foreman replied: Oh, we looked, but your client didnt.

by (few years ago!)
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