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IT DOESN’T ADD UP

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

by (few years ago!) / 603 views
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WHAT A JOB!

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shop-lifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits In 1998 alone
84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said,"Whats a four -letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"?The bishop said,"Did you try "aunt"?The Pope said,"Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?"

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Computer jokes

What did the mouse say to the webcam?Cheese.

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When was the longest day in the Bible? A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

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My daughter is your reward

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

by (few years ago!)
Three Parrots

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars. Why does the parrot cost so much, asks the man. The shop owner says, well, the parrot knows how to use a computer.

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, What can it do? To which the shop owner replies, to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?Fred: None!Fred (surprised): Why not?Fred: Because you cant lay eggs!

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Sport jokes

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"Caddy: "The way you play, sir, its a sin any day of the week!"

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Blonde jokes

How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row

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Dog jokes

A man and his son were shovelling the driveway after a heavy snowfall when their dog, Lady, wandered away from them. Man, fearing the dog might be hit by car, shouted angrily: "Lady! Lady! Get over here right now!" The dog charged happily back over to them, accompanied by a commuter who had been standing at the bus stop. "Yes, sir, what can I do for you she asked.

by (few years ago!)
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