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Dog jokes

What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684?The wrong answer.

by (few years ago!) / 607 views
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Animal jokes

A hyena is drinking at the watering hole one day, when he sees an elephant come for a drink. Close to the water, the elephant stops short and inspects a turtle for a few seconds. Then the elephant rears back and kicks the turtle, making it fly the better part of a mile.

The hyena asks, "What did you do that for?"

"Well," answers the pachyderm, "About 80 years ago that turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found that SOB, and paid him back."

"Eighty years! How in the name of heaven could you remember what that elephant looked like after that many years?"

The elephant replied, "I have turtle recall."


by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney,feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle ofhundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied."The judgell kill me. Trying to bribe him! Were dead!""I dont think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the other lawyers name!"

by (few years ago!)
office jokes

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."The brunette says, "Ive been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.Then, the red head says, "Ive been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.The genie asks, "My dear, whats the matter The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then." said God, "Let us see it Jesus fared any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

Satan was astonished and stuttered, "But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckled and replied, "Jesus saves."


by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A man took his wife to the doctors.After a short examination the doctor said"Your wifes mind has completely gone!"To which the man replied "Im not surprised.Shes been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to her lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," lawyer replied, "Ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that easy question."

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

What lights up a football stadium?A football match!

by (few years ago!)
Rules For Work

1. Never give me work in the morning.
Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline
is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and
interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even
better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone
where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you
are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes,
books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be
injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to
do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I
adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a
secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell
everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be
whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for
a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No
use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people
you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I
am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm
doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems.
No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I
especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you
received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN
tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

A man was looking to hire a driver for a bus tour business. Three men applied for the job. He calls one into his office to interview him. The man says that he can put the wheels right on the edge of a bridge, drive, and not fall off. The employer is very impressed. He calls another man in. This man says that he can put the wheels halfway off of a bridge, drive, and not fall off. The employer is again very impressed. He calls the last man in. He says, "I heard what the other two guys said, and I don't think I could match them. I usually drive in the middle of a bridge".

by (few years ago!)
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