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Computers can never replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

by (few years ago!) / 567 views
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THE CHARM OFFENSIVE


This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door. "And what time do you call this," she starts angrily, "You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!"

"Look," the guy responds calmly, "How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?"

"Oh, all right then." his now really hungry wife agrees.

"Fine." He says, and throws up all over her!

by (few years ago!)
Owning a Big Dog

You know you have a BIG dog when...

The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"

You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.

It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.

You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.

You can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly in your crotch.

You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.

You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.

You keep at least one color-coded "drool towel" in every room of your house.

After banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you awake.

You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog.

Visitors enter the house, holding their privates protectively.

You toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway.

You take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make random right turns.

You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.

Your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down, for the second time.

You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.

You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog.

While stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the window.

You go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling.

You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"

The monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment.

Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.

You have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink.

The donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose.

Your dog can see what you're cooking and he tries to assist you in the preparation.

You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.

The pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk.

Your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the drive-through window at McDonalds and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around to give you your change.

You purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when he stands in front of the television.

After surgery, your bored pup decides to get up and cruise around the vet's office, pulling the rolling IV stand behind him.

by (few years ago!)
Pickin' Up An Ivy League Student

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The co-ed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. "When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "You know what?" "What, dear?" his wife asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."

by (few years ago!)
Ad Space

Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows.

Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.

"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation' warning.

We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.

He also mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near future.

The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

by (few years ago!)
BEYOND ALL TRACK RECORDS

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

Golfer: "That cant be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."Caddy: "Its a long time since we started, sir."

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equallyfundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog theyliked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their newfundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadnt thought about "normal" tricks.Well, they said, "lets try this out."Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounce d the command,"Heel!"Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the mans forehead,closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How does a blonde commit suicide?A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

by (few years ago!)
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