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Computer jokes

Computers can never replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

by (few years ago!) / 579 views
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Similar Jokes

lawyer jokes

There were three men traveling together, a priest, a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep. They came across this farm and they asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, "That's fine but my guest room is only big enough for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the barn."

The priest said, "I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn." So they all agreed and went to their rooms.

About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest. "There is a chicken in there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."

"That's okay," said the farmer, "I'll sleep in the barn. After all, I'm used to it." So they all agreed and traded places.

About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the farmer. "I can't stand the odor from that cow in there any more. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."

"Well, I guess that leaves me," said the lawyer. So he went to sleep in the barn.

About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door and there stands the chicken and the cow.

by (few years ago!)
Mix Up at the Hospital

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

What about the blonde couple that gave birth to twins?

Her blonde husband is currently out looking for the other man.
Some guys are just born losers. A blonde fellow at my job was all worked up about this hot girl he had dated twice before. But today, he had stated that it was all over. So, I asked him why.

The blonde guy said, "Well, on our last date, we went over to her apartment, and she turned all the lights out after dinner. So, I got up and left, because I can take a hint just as well as the next guy

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 evening news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: "I bet you $20 he's going to jump."

Blonde: "Okay."

(Back to newscast.) The man jumps.

Blonde: "Okay. Here's my $20."

Brunette: "No, that was too easy. I can't take it."

Blonde: "I insist. I lost."

Brunette: "I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet."

Blonde: "I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice."

by (few years ago!)
office jokes

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business.

So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"

by (few years ago!)
Human Resource Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain
competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We
have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't
pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED" You'll
be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time
each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the
office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We
have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants
must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old,
fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've
filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What did the dog say when he chased his tail?This is the end.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

An old drunk was in a bar one night begging the bartender for one more drink even though he had run out of money. In desperation, the drunk said, "Listen, I have this unusual talent. I can fart the tune of the national anthem. If I climb up on your bar and entertain your patrons by farting the national anthem, will you please give me one more drink?"

The bartender agreed to the deal, so the old drunk climbed up onto the bar and dropped his pants. The drunk began grunting and straining and, much to everyone's surprise and disgust, had a tremendous bowel movement right on the bar.

The bartender reached for his billy-club, intending to teach the drunk a lesson.

"Just a minute, just a minute," wailed the drunk. "If I was a singer, you wouldn't be mad if I had to clear my throat."

by (few years ago!)
FIVE WHISKEY SHOTS


A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.", said the man.

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man drunkenly replies, "I have a dollar.

by (few years ago!)
On the Scaffolding

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

by (few years ago!)
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