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Computer jokes

While Bill waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: “You weigh 195 pounds, you are married and you’re on your way to San Diego.” Bill stood there dumbfounded.
Another man put in a quarter and the computer read: “You weigh 184 pounds, you’re divorced, and you’re on your way to Chicago.” Bill said to the man, “Are you divorced and on our way to Chicago?” “Yes.” Replied the man.
Bill was amazed. Then he rushed to the men’s room, changed his clothes and put on dark
glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read: “You still weigh 195 pounds, you’re still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego

by (few years ago!) / 549 views
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Similar Jokes

All Blue

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"

"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."

Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.

"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.

"You want to die?" asks the doctor.

"But...how do I pee?"

"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"

"What?"

"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"

The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"

by (few years ago!)
top ten tips to know if you have PMS

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

by (few years ago!)
An amazing talking dog

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

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Marriage jokes

A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband. "But why did you stab him over a hundred times?" asked the judge. "Oh, your Honor," replied the defendant, "I didnt know how to switch off the electric carving knife."

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Marriage Jokes

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. (Henny Youngman)


A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

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Dog jokes

Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape?He was colour-blind.

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What do lawyers do after they die?

What do lawyers do after they die?

They lie still.

by (few years ago!)
TOP TEN TRICKS TO LIVEN UP A MEETING

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.

Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

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The wife is not speaking to me

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

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Dog jokes

What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers A bud houn.

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