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Animal jokes

How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters

by (few years ago!) / 607 views
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Animal Jokes

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Marriage quotes 08

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

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Lion Tamer

wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

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"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

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SURELY NOT MORE BIZARRE REAL LIFE ANIMAL LAWS

In North Carolina, it is against the law to use elephants to plow cotton fields.

In New York City, one is forbidden from shooting rabbits from the back end of a Third Avenue streetcar when it is moving.

In Kansas, people cannot shoot rabbits while in a motorboat.

In Statesville, North Carolina, it is against the law to race rabbits in the streets.

In Tuscumbia, Alabama, no more than eight rabbits can reside on the same block.

A law in Detroit, Michigan, prohibits crocodiles from being tied to a fire hydrant.

Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, New York.

In Baltimore, Maryland, it is necessary to document any services performed by a jackass.

In Ohio, it is against the law to set a fire under your mule if it balks.

In Arkansas, if your 2-year-old mule runs wild and is unclaimed within 2 days, anyone may castrate the animal.

In Marshalltown, Iowa, a horse will be breaking the law if it eats a fire hydrant.

People can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog in Oklahoma.

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

In Tulsa, Oklahoma, dogs are prohibited from going on private property unless the owner gives his consent first.

In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.

Dogs are strictly forbidden from riding in ambulances in Westport, Massachusetts.

Wallace, Idaho, decreed it is unlawful for anyone to sleep in a dog kennel.

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Florida has a law prohibiting the transporting of livestock on school buses.

If you live in Franklin, Kentucky, you can't legally trade horses after dark.

In Alabama, no mules can be traded after supper when the sun has already gone below the horizon. And in Idaho, you can't buy or sell chickens after sundown without the sheriff's permission.

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In Seattle, goldfish can ride the city buses in bowls only if they keep still.

You cannot shoot fish with a bow and arrow in Louisville, Kentucky. And you cannot shoot fish with a gun in the state of Washington or in Hazelhurst, Mississippi.

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The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot"

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Lawyer jokes

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By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," said the owner. "No." said the tourist. "But I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers

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Blonde jokes

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