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Animal jokes

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

by (few years ago!) / 545 views
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Beer Troubleshooting Guide

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth

by (few years ago!)
computer jokes

Mr. Johnston, a businessman from Colorado, recently went on a business trip to Arizona. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jo Ann, to let her know that he had arrived safely.

Unfortunately, he mistyped a few letters and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

An old drunk was in a bar one night begging the bartender for one more drink even though he had run out of money. In desperation, the drunk said, "Listen, I have this unusual talent. I can fart the tune of the national anthem. If I climb up on your bar and entertain your patrons by farting the national anthem, will you please give me one more drink?"

The bartender agreed to the deal, so the old drunk climbed up onto the bar and dropped his pants. The drunk began grunting and straining and, much to everyone's surprise and disgust, had a tremendous bowel movement right on the bar.

The bartender reached for his billy-club, intending to teach the drunk a lesson.

"Just a minute, just a minute," wailed the drunk. "If I was a singer, you wouldn't be mad if I had to clear my throat."

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?They got jellygated!

by (few years ago!)
THE COMPLETE PUZZLE

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house.

When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"

Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes-Football game

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown. Then came the second half... First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle.

11 days ago by

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

How many hairs are in a dogs tail None They are all on the outside

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Father: I hear you skipped school to play footballSon: No I didnt, and I have the fish to prove it!

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas wondered why they didnt get taller girls

by (few years ago!)
Don't Know and Still be Right

A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American too, with the same qualifications had applied for the same job and both were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

"And why?" asked Murphy. "We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

"Simple," replied the manager. "On question 5, the American put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

by (few years ago!)
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