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Animal jokes

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

by (few years ago!) / 575 views
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Why are you yelling that?

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

American businessman was at a pier in a small coastalMexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fintuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality ofhis fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didnt he stay out longer andcatch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his familysimmediate needs. The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest ofhis time. The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little,play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria,stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine andplay guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life,senor." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could helpyou. You should spend more time fis hing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from thebigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling yourcatch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You wouldcontrol the product, processing and distribution. "You would need to leave this small coastal fishing villageand move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where youwill run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will thisall take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican. The American laughed, and said, "Thats the best part! Whenthe time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. Youll become very rich, youwould make millions!" "Millions, senor?" replied t he Mexican. "Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a smallcoastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish alittle, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife,stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sipwine and play your guitar with your amigos."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde all escape from a prison together. They run into the nearby woods and all climb up seperate trees. When the police find the redheads tree and ask who is up there, the redhead chirps like a bird. Then the police go to the brunettes tree. When they ask who is up there, the brunette makes chipmunk noises. Finally, when the police go to the blondes tree and ask who is up there, the blonde goes,"MOOOOOOOOOO!"

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

by (few years ago!)
Why So Serious? THE DARK KNIGHT blitz continues with another badass Joker poster!!!

Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. I gotta say, I've dug all the DARK KNIGHT posters that have hit in the last 60 hours or so, but this below image is my favorite. I'm a macabre kind of guy and I love the fucked up quality and creepiness of the below poster. Of all the images, this is the one I'd put up on my wall. Thanks to "LA" for sending this out!

by (few years ago!)
A FORGETFUL BARTENDER

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

by (few years ago!)
Hair rule? NFL must be joking

With college basketball aplenty, a new baseball season and what should be a very exciting NBA playoffs coming up, it's a wonder why football would garner any headlines right now.

Yet the NFL has made sure it's still on the sports fans' mind. One way the league has done this is by proposing a ban on long hair.

It was reported by the NFL Network that the Kansas City Chiefs proposed a new rule in which players wouldn't be allowed to wear their hair long or flowing out of the back of their helmet. The league's owners are expected to vote on the issue later in the month at a meeting in Florida. But I think I can save all the owners a little time by doing the voting right now.

No.

It's an unnecessary and ridiculous rule. It's legal to tackle a player using their hair if it's hanging out of the back of their helmet, and any player with long hair should know that. If they still want to keep their hair long, why tell them no?

As the NFL Network's Adam Schefter writes, the rule would help in that long hair would no longer "cover or obscure the names on the back of player's jersey."

And, of course, referees refer to each player by number when calling them for a penalty. Announcers have lists of each team's roster with them in the announcing booths, where one of the items on the roster list is player number. Plus, can they read the name on the back of a player's jersey from all the way up in the booth?

As far as I know, no player in the NFL has hair long enough that it completely covers the number on the back of their jersey. Oh, and there is also the front of player's jersey, which too has their number, just in case there is a player with that long of hair.

So the covering up of a player's name shouldn't really be too much of a worry.

Also, long hair is a distinction. It's much easier to recognize a player with long hair in the middle of a game, while action is going on, than a player without long hair. Wouldn't making a player cut their long hair, or hide it in their helmet, just make picking them out of all players on the field more difficult?

by (few years ago!)
Confusion about Y2K

Dear Boss,

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up inhis book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and lookedit up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, Iwill show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. Theywalked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with allsorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyerand told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing howimportant he was to the church could hardly imagine what hishouse would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on toa small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope thatthis would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said toSt. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and hegets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church,and this is all the reward I g et?" St. Peter looked at thePope and said "True, you have done great things. Butwe have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the firstlawyer ever to make it up here."

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

After a few beers, Bill and Phil both head to the mens' room.

Bill said to Phil, "I wish I had one like my cousin Ralph. He needs four fingers, to hold his."

"You're holding yours with four fingers now," replied Phil.

"Yeah, but I'm peeing on three of 'em!" complained Bill.

by (few years ago!)
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Man Walks Into a Lawyer's Of..

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