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WEST VIRGINIA


Two West Virginia lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills. She was attractive, but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.

One attorney said to the other, "Mary is so young and pretty she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?"

"Great idea," said the partner. You teach her what's right."

by (few years ago!) / 866 views
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Similar Jokes

Bar jokes

cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one in the bar answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, before you go ... What happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

by (few years ago!)
Piano Monkey

At a piano bar in downtown New York City. The pianist sends his monkey down the bar to collect dollars and change everytime he plays a different melody on his piano.

A drunkard walks up to the bar, and orders a fresh mug of beer.The pianist just finishing another piano number. Send his monkey down the bar to collect tips. As the piano monkey makes his way down the bar. He stops and takes a piss directly into the drunkards beer. So the drunkard then walks over to the piano where the pianist is playing.He then slams his beer down onto the piano,and says Do you know your monkey just pissed in my beer??? The pianist replies Well if you recite a few lines I might be able to pick it up

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones ?Hush puppies !

by (few years ago!)
AN ACCOUNTANT FOR THE MOB


There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.

The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.

Hitman: where is the money?

Accountant signs he does not know

Brother: he said he does not know

Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!

Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

Hitman: what did he say?

Brother: you don't have the balls!

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywackthe loan officer. Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, "What do you have for collateral?" The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant. Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant and says, "I dont know. Im going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the bank manager to approve this." He goes into Mr. Larsons office and comes back. Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with the elephant and says Its a knick-knack Paddywack give the frog a loan

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

Jaques, a French World Cup Rugby superstar, is jogging down a street in London when he sees a building on fire. An old lady trembles over a third story ledge holding her pet kitten in her arms.

"Hey, Madame!" yells Jaques, "Throw ze pussy to moi!" "No," she cries, "It's much too far!"

"I ham ze star player for France in ze World Cup Rugby - I vill cache 'im!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows and, finally, the woman waves to Jaques, kisses her kitten goodbye, and tosses it down into the street.

Jaques keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The kitten obliquely bounces off an awning and Jaques runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd, gathered to watch the fire, breaks into cheers.

Jaques does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, and then drop kicks the kitten 85 meters down the street.

by (few years ago!)
Saving Herself

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset

by (few years ago!)
AT THE GORILLA ENCLOSURE


It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilots head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or Im gonna spill your brains all over the place." The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and youll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilots head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or Im gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilots got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and youll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigators head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or Im gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldnt do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldnt find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and youll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passengers head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or Im gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "Hes George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesnt have any brains!"

by (few years ago!)
ON A PROMISE...

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, "My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."

The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!"

The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be, when I finally get it..."

by (few years ago!)
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