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AN OCCUPATIONAL HAZZARD


A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers... we had $100 when we broke in!"

by (few years ago!) / 586 views
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Similar Jokes

NOT ALWAYS DUMB BLONDES

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I m completely nude."

With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."

She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

by (few years ago!)
Funny Animal Jokes

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.

Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.

In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.

In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.

In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.

In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.

In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.

In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.

In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.

French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.

Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.

Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.

In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.

It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.

Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump.

Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.

In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.

In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter.

You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.

In Wanassa, New Jersey, a dog is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying."

by (few years ago!)
Useful Work Phrases

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

by (few years ago!)
Computer Term Dictionary

586:
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art:
Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete:
Any computer you own.

Microsecond:
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3:
Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, it's three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."

Syntax Error:
Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive:
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

GUI (pronounced "gooey"):
What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.

Keyboard:
The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse:
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy:
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer:
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash:
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update:
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a snake crawl under a bush and went over to it. The other youngster couldn't figure out why his friend was staying by the bush so long since the snake had disappeared.

The other boy went over to the bush to check it out. The first boy pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam. So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.

All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.

Finally he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away. The second boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?No one knows, its never happened.

by (few years ago!)
THE TIRED OLD GENIE DOES A FINAL WISH

A truck driver was tooling down the highway one afternoon and heard a "pop." Thinking that perhaps he had blown a tire, he steered the rig onto the shoulder and walked back to check his tires.
He found a bottle laying in the gutter. He picked it up and wiped off the label to see what kind of bottle it was when a very old genie popped out.

The genie said, "Man, I'm too old for this! You get one wish -- not three -- just one."

The driver thought long and hard, and finally said, "It would be really nice for all the bridges to be wide enough that over-sized loads could get through without any trouble."

The genie said, "Do you know how many bridges that would be?! Can't you come up with something simpler?"

The driver replied, "How about if you make all the blondes as smart as brunettes?"

The genie shook his head vigorously and answered, "How wide would you like those bridges?"


by (few years ago!)
Marriage quotes 12

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. -- W. Somerset Maugham

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

Spinster: A bachelor's wife.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

Question: Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?"
Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother--I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

by (few years ago!)
How many lawyers does it take...

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, lawyers only screw us.

by (few years ago!)
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