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THE GREAT BLONDE KIDNAP

Daddy! can I go to Miami!

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
She turned it over and used the other side.

How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
There are some things even a blonde won't do.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.

Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!
Why do blondes have square breasts?
Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!

What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Why can't blondes count to 70?
Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop.

What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
"Mary... that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.

What do blondes say after sex?
"Thanks, guys!"

by (few years ago!) / 535 views
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Testifying

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"


The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

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One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwins Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brothers keeper or my keepers brother."

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Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was onvacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in theworst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blondeshouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

by (few years ago!)
I have "great" news for you

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

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blonde jokes

There were three women were at their gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The doctor asked the first woman, "In what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top," the first woman replied. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top," was the reply. "You will have a baby girl," said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "WhatÕs the matter?" asked the doctor.

The blonde replied, "Oh no! Am I going to have puppies?

by (few years ago!)
ARRIVING AT THE PEARLY GATES


Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment.

The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations."

St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer.

by (few years ago!)
School Library

The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a 'Contract' for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a third grader who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought three books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech, he said scornfully, "The other librarian we had knew how to write."

by (few years ago!)
Problems from the start

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me"

by (few years ago!)
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