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Self Help

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that, probably, the printer only needed to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

by (few years ago!) / 926 views
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Similar Jokes

Filthy Language

A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed."
Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed." "Father, what filthy language! I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing."
The priest promises to do better.
At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed." Sister
Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike You
dead if you keep swearing like that." At the next tee, the priest
misses, swears, "Shit, I missed." Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt
of lighting, which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed."

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

There was once a high powered businessman who insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him a tall one for writing longhand, a short one for taking down shorthand, and a very small one for adding footnotes.

by (few years ago!)
STROLLING DOWN THE STREET ONE DAY


Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

At a family gathering, husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. "Honey," she said to her husband, "when I get my way, thats a compromise." "What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask. She replied, "Thats a miracle!"

by (few years ago!)
Educational jokes:

The reception children were trying to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words" she'd always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!" She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book" he replied. "That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said "Winnie The Shit."

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

by (few years ago!)
A DIFFERENT KIND OF TOUCHDOWN


An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "seven points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."

After about ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score." The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more.

Straining, the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

by (few years ago!)
Sleeping in Church

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE

by (few years ago!)
Marriage studies findings

A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

by (few years ago!)
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