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UNDER THE STREET LIGHT

Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked.

"My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement."

The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. "Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by.

"About half a block up the street," replied the drunk.

"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"

The drunk said: "Because the light's a lot better here.

by (few years ago!) / 820 views
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Similar Jokes

Blonde Lumberjack

A blonde travels to Canada to seek her
fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a
foreman of a logging organization who
offers to give her a job.

"Now, I hope you realize we expect you
to cut down at least 100 trees a day,"
the foreman told her.

The blonde woman didn't see this as a
problem, so she went out with the
Chainsaw and did her best. She came
back drenched in sweat.

"Geez lady, how many trees did you cut
down?" asked the foreman.
"6" she replied.
"What!? You have to do better than that.
Get up earlier tomorrow!"

So she did. Out she went with the
chainsaw, she came back that night
exhausted.

"How many this time?" asked the foreman.
"12" she said.
The foreman says, "That does it. I'm
coming out there with you tomorrow
morning!"

The next morning, the foreman reaches
the first tree and says, "This is how
to cut down trees really quickly."
He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and
it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM.

He notices the blonde is looking at him
frantically, so he asks her what's wrong.

And she replies, "What the hell is that
noise?"

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "Youre running around with other women," she charged."Youre being unreasonable," Adam responded. "Youre the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think youre doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

by (few years ago!)
Lethal Food

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

by (few years ago!)
ALL IN THE NAME OF LOVE


A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.

Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.
The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"

The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day"

by (few years ago!)
Runnig Repairs

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up. "Im sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?" "Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars." "Well now, thats not bad for a man who couldnt read or write." "Nor swim either," added the widow.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde women for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked If you could have a conversation with someon living or dead who would it be The blonde quickly responded, "The living one

by (few years ago!)
3 Dogs in a Bar

A Doberman, a Collie and a Chihuahua were sitting at a bar. A Poodle comes up to the bar and says: whoever can use liver and cheese ina sentence I will marry!

The Doberman thinking he had a chance he says, I LIKE liver and cheese! The Poodle was not impressed. Oh please said the poodle you have to be able to do better than that!

The Collie also thinking he had a chance, says, I HATE liver and Cheese! The Poodle sighed and said: That was original!

So the smart-ass Chihuahua pipes up I can beat both of those sentences. The Poodle says: O.k. give it your best shot. So the Chihuahua says, Liver alone Cheese mine!

by (few years ago!)
TWO STORKS

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

by (few years ago!)
THE HR E-MAIL

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader

e-mail two
Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader.

by (few years ago!)
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