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THE SMELL OF FRESH BLOOD

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!

by (few years ago!) / 540 views
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What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?

A doberman pinscher.

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Blonde jokes

Why dont blondes like buttered toast?A: They cant figure out which side the butter goes on.

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WISHING THE DAYS AWAY

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

by (few years ago!)
TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION

No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, Ive decided Im going to be a minister when I grow up. "Thats okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied, "Ill have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.

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SURPRISING NEWS

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant.

Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White house. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the oval office and Bill answered.

Hillary said, "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!" The president remained silent.

Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!"

Bill finally answered, "Who is this?"

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Lawyer jokes

lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it is inoperable. In fact, it is so large that they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains: A jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, A jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, or a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer said, "This is a rip off! How come the lawyer brains are so expensive?"

The doctor replied, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

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I'm not actually sure why this bugs me more than the general MeFi snark, but the general internet tendency to make jokes about this murder trial while it's a current event has always left a bad taste in my mouth.

Am I being unneccessarily prudish? Where's the line? Does this cross it?

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THE PERFECT SCAM


Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.

The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

by (few years ago!)
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