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THE SMELL OF FRESH BLOOD

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!

by (few years ago!) / 555 views
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Similar Jokes

blonde jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all went to an antique store and saw a beautiful old mirror. The lady working at the store said, "This is a magic mirror. You must say something true. And if it's true, your wish will come true. If it's not true, you will disappear."

The blonde, red head, and brunette decided to buy the mirror, and brought it home with them. First the red head walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world." Poof, she vanished.

Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world." Poof, she disappeared.

Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think ... " Then Poof, she disappeared.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde Nurse

Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!" George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?" Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful." George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well Ill tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street." Osama asks, "And what do they say?" George answers, "Hell, I dont know. I cant read Hebrew!"

by (few years ago!)
MORE AMAZINGLY REAL EXTRACTS FROM AMERICAN COURTROOMS

Are you married? "
"No, I'm divorced."
"And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
"A lot of things I didn't know about."

* * *

"Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
"No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

* * *

"Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

* * *

"Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods?"
"No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

* * *

"Could you see him from where you were standing? "
"I could see his head."
"And where was his head?"
"Just above his shoulders."

* * *

"...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
"The victim lived."

* * *

"What happened then?"
"He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
"Did he kill you?"
"No."

* * *

"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"

* * *

"Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."

* * *

"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
"Yes, I have been since early childhood."


by (few years ago!)
FIVE WHISKEY SHOTS


A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.", said the man.

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man drunkenly replies, "I have a dollar.

by (few years ago!)
TIME TO HIT THE ROAD?


There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest.

After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unphased, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. On seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs straight for the toilets.

An hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left. The other piece of tarmac asks him why he ran off.

He replies "Haven't you heard about him? He's a cycle-path!"

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

If Operating Systems Were Airlines

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits
the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, jump off...

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the
same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions
about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need
to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above
the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective
passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just
departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline
personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each
passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe
until mid-2005. Maybe longer.

by (few years ago!)
Joking Jelly

The crack products are a powerful, eye-catching item that draws a smile and response
from anyone who sees them. Crack products are made out of actual sports balls
Inner packing: order to creates a realistic 3-D look. The concept of a ball that
looks like it has gone halfway through the glass is so realistic that people
must get closer to see it. Once they see it, they want it.

Applications: smooth surfaces, car and truck windows, glass doors, mirrors, computer
monitors, storefronts, home or office decorations

by (few years ago!)
Why did the blonde get fired...

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

She was throwing away all the W's.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesnt hear anything from the blondes upstairs.She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead. She says, What the hecks goin on up here? Were havin a grand time downstairs!One of the blondes looks up and says,Yeah, but youve got a driver!

by (few years ago!)
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