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Caught Sleeping Excuses

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''

9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''

8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''

7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''

6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''

5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''

4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''

3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''

2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''

1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''

by (few years ago!) / 648 views
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INHERITANCE BLUES

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me £25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me £90,000."

"Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000." His friend continued.

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month

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Professor, The Car Broke Down

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.

As each sat down, they read the first question.

"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued.

"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

by (few years ago!)
PAYING THEIR RESPECTS


An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

" Well today I found out I don't have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."

Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in."

The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a check for the whole amount and threw it in."

by (few years ago!)
SWITCHING SIDES


A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party.

"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through Why change now?"

The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. Thats why she cuts the grass!"

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Religious jokes

What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil?A religious movement!

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Bars & Bartender Jokes & Funny Stories - 2

A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the bartender a twenty dollar bill and the bartender went to the other end of the bar to put the money in the cash register. The second bartender whispered to the first, "He's a bear, what does he know, shortchange him." The first bartender brings the bear $10 in change. A little while later the bartender starts talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't get many bears in this bar." The bear replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't be back again....

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Blonde jokes

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.

She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around.

Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

by (few years ago!)
What's the difference between a dead dog...

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?A: She went looking for the three guys.

by (few years ago!)
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