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Caught Sleeping Excuses

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''

9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''

8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''

7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''

6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''

5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''

4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''

3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''

2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''

1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''

by (few years ago!) / 659 views
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Similar Jokes

blonde jokes

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob, a buff blonde guy, inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

"The next plane to Chicago leaves at 1:00 p.m.," the ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"

"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."

by (few years ago!)
Filthy Language

A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed."
Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed." "Father, what filthy language! I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing."
The priest promises to do better.
At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed." Sister
Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike You
dead if you keep swearing like that." At the next tee, the priest
misses, swears, "Shit, I missed." Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt
of lighting, which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed."

by (few years ago!)
BILL TAKES A PLANE RIDE


One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, The Dali Lama, and a hippie.

Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack

by (few years ago!)
Cheers Beer Drinking Excuse

The Buffalo Theory
(In one episode of Cheers, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this....)
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What kind of dog does a dracula like? - A: A Bloodhound.

by (few years ago!)
TRICKS OF THE TRADE


There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"

He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered,"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

by (few years ago!)
Jokes & Funny Stories About Blondes - 9

How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What did the dumb blonde say when told that "Scheherezade" was composed by Rimsky-Korsakov ?A: "Whyd his mom choose to call him Rimsky of all names ?!!?"

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

Boss: "I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase." Employee: "Thats because there will be fewer of us doing more work, right?" Boss: "Right. Except for the us part."

by (few years ago!)
Great Bar Jokes


I love to hear a good joke. In fact, I've heard quite a few ridiculously funny jokes in my life. I'm not sharing any of those with you today. Instead, I'm sharing the seven jokes I've heard in a bar which made me laugh so hard (at the time) that I ended up writing them down. Yes, that's me: the girl in the bar who writes things on napkins so she won't forget them later.


Why am I sharing these with you? Even if you don't find them funny right now, wait until you have had a good number of drinks at the bar. Then, start sharing these. You'll see.


by (few years ago!)
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