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Dog jokes

What is brown and gray, has eight legs, and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk? A Chihuahua on vacation with an elephant.

by (few years ago!) / 534 views
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Zoo jokes

Father and son standing outside the elephants cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us."

by (few years ago!)
LESSONS IN LIFE


DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?1) Get away or Ill call the police!!!2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

by (few years ago!)
Getting revenge with marriage

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

One night, Kirk passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy, Bernie, awoke to the sound of Kirk's voice from beyond. "Kirk is that you?" Bernie asked.

"Yes, it's me," Kirk replied.

"This is unbelievable" Bernie exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The worker trying to communicate said “No, no, he no look to good.” The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened. The worker said, “I told you he no look to good”

by (few years ago!)
Lethal Food

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine crew that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire department composed entirely of men over 65.

To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance, the other firemen watched as the old-timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting, the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"

`

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "Im going to the pub. Get your coat on." The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?" The husband replies, "No - Im turning the heating off.

by (few years ago!)
THE TWO-BIT WHORE


A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"

The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."

"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

by (few years ago!)
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