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Dog jokes

How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?Put him in your back yard.

by (few years ago!) / 629 views
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ELEMENTARY, MR PRESIDENT


One day George Bush is going to give a speech at an Elementary School. He asks the teacher what the children are studying and she replies that they are learning about Greek Tragedies. So the President decides to talk about Tragedies. He asks a student, "What would you consider to be a tragedy?"

The kid thinks for awhile and then says, " If a boy is running after a ball into a street and gets run over by a car and dies."

Bush responds, "No, I don't think that's a tragedy... that's an accident." Then Bush asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.

The kid says, "If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and they all die."

This time Bush says, "I don't think that's a tragedy... I think that's a great loss." So again Bush asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.

The kid responds, "If you and Dick Chenney are on Air Force One and it crashes."

"Right!" says Bush to the kid. "That would be a tragedy... how did you ever know that?"

Quickly, the kid replies, " Because I know it's not an accident and I know it's not a great loss."

by (few years ago!)
ONE WINTER MORNING


President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered WhiteHouse lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow.

Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this. The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.

"OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."

The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore." This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.

The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand writing".

by (few years ago!)
Snooping

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!"

I didn't even know that she had a penis!

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes?A: None, as usual... and they most likely didnt understand them either

by (few years ago!)
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.

The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener."

The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."

by (few years ago!)
BAR JOKES - WALKE IN A BAR

The Duck


A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender "if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig.


Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck.


So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar.
The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, "Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?"

The man replies, "Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Marriage is natures way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

Why did the dog say he was an actor?His leg was in a cast.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?The noise gave her a headache.

by (few years ago!)
THE CHARM OFFENSIVE


This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door. "And what time do you call this," she starts angrily, "You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!"

"Look," the guy responds calmly, "How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?"

"Oh, all right then." his now really hungry wife agrees.

"Fine." He says, and throws up all over her!

by (few years ago!)
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