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School jokes

Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth!Pupil: What?, and get bitten!

by (few years ago!) / 525 views
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LESSONS IN LIFE


DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.

by (few years ago!)
Pregnant

K. C. lived very far from town, his wife was pregnant and about due.

He went to see the doctor because he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to get his wife to the doctor in time for the birth of his first baby.

The doctor told him, "K.C. , there's nothing to worry about. You've delivered calf's from a cow before haven't you?"

K. C. says, "Yes"

The doctor says, "Well it's the same thing involved when a woman gives birth to a baby."

K. C. leaves much less worried.

A few weeks later K. C. stops by the doctor's office and tells the doc. "I'm the proud father of a 9-pound boy." He smiles.

The doc asks, "Did everything go OK?"

K. C. answers, "Yeah, just one thing, I almost had to beat the shit out of her to make her eat the afterbirth.

by (few years ago!)
A BIGGER HANDFUL OF QUICKIES

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other.
"Okay," replied the bartender, "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."



This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"



A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"



A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."



Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."



A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."



A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre... so the barman gave her one!



Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of Bud please"
and the second donkey says "hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that"



So two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."



A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."
The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan."Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldnt hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes?" asked the instructor."Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? A: "Oh, its not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. Thats disgusting!"

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

What do you call a handcuffed man?A. Trustworthy.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?The noise gave her a headache.

by (few years ago!)
APPLIED MATHEMATICS

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another: "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants dont get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat wont do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings

by (few years ago!)
Late-Night Jokes About the Gay Marriage Controversy

The California Supreme Court ruled that it is legal for homosexuals to get married in California. ... As a result, thousands of wedding planners will finally get to plan their own wedding." --Conan O'Brien

"The California Supreme Court overturned the state's ban on gay marriage. Man, you thought it was bad for single women before. All the good ones are either gay or married. Now they're gay and married. ... In fact, in West Hollywood, man, guys are so happy, they were overturning each other." --Jay Leno

by (few years ago!)
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