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School jokes

Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?Fred: None!Fred (surprised): Why not?Fred: Because you cant lay eggs!

by (few years ago!) / 660 views
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Religious jokes

How do you make holy water?A. Boil the hell out of it.

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

"Information I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. Ill connect you with my supervisor.

by (few years ago!)
A very desperate marriage

Spurs will score two, one coming from the strikers and the other from a midfielder/defender; Dimitar Berbatov and Michael Dawson anyone? Maybe Wipey is due.

Bolton will bundle one in at some point or get something from a long-range shot. I see long balls to wide men and crosses, through-balls to Nicolas Anelka.

Martin Jol is unlikely, despite the wishes of the Spurs faithful, to keep an unchanged side. I will bet on him going for a physical presence and using a quick attacker like Aaron Lennon only from 60th minute, though I hope I am wrong.

Should Jermaine Defoe start, I back him getting caught offside 3,126 times, but I expect to see Robbie Keane and Berbs start up front. I would love to see a Keane-Defoe combination since we are unlikely to match them in the air anyway, with Berbatov or Mido coming on after 60-70 minutes when the Bolton defence tires.

As for our finish in the league (European qualification is all but written off by bookmakers), I would like to point out that after we beat fifth-placed Bolton, and we will, we will be eight points behind them. All of the teams in-between - Newcastle, Portsmouth, Everton and Reading - will finish weakly this season as they do not have strength in depth. Maybe one will get lucky, perhaps Portsmouth if Kanu finds his feet back from injury. So it's Spurs to win 2-1 in a physical long-ball game.

by (few years ago!)
FIRE ENGINE


As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
"If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

by (few years ago!)
ARRIVING LATE FOR THE LECTURE

A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity

The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect its parents."

by (few years ago!)
FOOLING THE PROFESSOR

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. So, when they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tyre and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question.

"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.

Then, the test continued... "For 95 points, tell me which tyre it was."

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

An unfortunate blonde left her car out in a nasty hail storm one afternoon. When the storm was over, she checked the car and found out that it was covered with small dents.

She went to the local garage and inquired about how to fix the problem. The mechanic jokingly told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed. So, she took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe.

Another blonde came by and inquired about what she was doing. The first blonde said that she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.

The other blonde responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"

by (few years ago!)
TRYING TO SELL HER CAR

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it

by (few years ago!)
TIME TO HIT THE ROAD?

There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest.

After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unphased, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. On seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs straight for the toilets.

An hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left. The other piece of tarmac asks him why he ran off.

He replies "Haven't you heard about him? He's a cycle-path!"

by (few years ago!)
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