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School jokes

Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didnt know how to spell cat so I told her"

by (few years ago!) / 556 views
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Animal jokes

That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots, whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach you parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

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Blonde jokes

What do you call 100 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel!

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Lawyer jokes

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

by (few years ago!)
Coincidence

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

"I'm curious," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why do blondes have more fun?A. They are easier to keep amused.

by (few years ago!)
Mirror mirror

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie - poof it swallows you up.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror. The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" Poof- the mirror swallows her up.

The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" Poof - the mirror swallows her up.

Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says " I think........" Poof!!

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

Coming home from his Little League game, young Bobby swung open the front door very excitedly. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what had happened at his son's game. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it." Bobby said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How did you do that?" inquired his dad.

Bobby replied, "I dropped the ball."

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older librarian, "Ive just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.""Well," replied the librarian, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What side of the dog has the most fur? - A: The Outside

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Zoo jokes

An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events. Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape, escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them. The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the secretary to the mayor asked, "Have you looked in the yellow pages"? The director said he hadnt, but would, immediately. To his surprise, under "animal capturing service" he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately. Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door. "Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?", the little man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. "Hop in the truck", the little man said. The director did and they drove off. Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground. The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles. The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat. "Now," the little man said, "Im going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and Im going to knoc k the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you snap the handcuffs on and weve got him. The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said "Im not too sure about this -- whats the gun for?" The little man said, "Look, Im an expert. I know what Im doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and itll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!"

by (few years ago!)
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